Fatty Made a Funny

This will NOT be easy

2012-01-10T08:55:00.000-06:00

Since my blog is about my journey and my challenges and - let's face it - my fat ass, I'm not going to go in to great detail about the "why" of what I am doing, I will try to focus more on what I am doing and it's affects on my body.

Sunday at sundown was the beginning of a 21 day fasting period for me. Since it's a free country and all I have the ability to decide the thing or things that I would be fasting. Last year I fasted Facebook - there was no enlightenment there I assure you, so this year I decided to go a little deeper.

This year I am once again fasting Facebook - which is not a problem considering how uber ridiculous it can become at times. I am also fasting mindless TV - just zoning out and drooling in front of another show about a dirty job or a dangerous job or an over dressed exterminator. Since that isn't all that difficult to give up I am also fasting streaming TV/Video - much more difficult! I didn't realize just how often during the day I put on Netflix or Hulu in the background and catch up on things!

And, while giving up those things is somewhat of an annoyance, it's nothing that really shakes me up or disconnects me. So, I decided I would also fast all solid foods and basically anything that isn't a freshly juiced fruit or veggie! For the next 21 days if it doesn't come out of the good old juicer - it doesn't go in to me! With the exception of fresh water and hot teas.

Lord this is going to be a LONG 21 days.

There really is a lot more going on behind the scenes as it is a spiritual journey for me more than a physical one. I am doing a lot of learning and reflecting and praying and soul searching. I am hoping to heal some things in my soul that I haven't been able to heal thus far. I have put away my scale, I am not even attempting to track (how the heck would I even do that??). This isn't about my pants size or my double chin, this is about me. Getting to the heart of me.

Today is day 2 and I'm okay. I juiced an entire cantaloupe and guzzled the whole thing this morning. It was glorious. Pure Bliss. Highly recommended.

I feel good, my insides are cooperating and I haven't had any bad experiences. Every once and awhile I feel a little off, but I just take a swig of the green stuff and move on.

Day 2 and 3 are supposed to be the worst, but I've made it through them before and I plan on doing it again!

Anyone have any juice fast experience? How long did you last? Any must try recipes??

Falling faster than I rise

2012-01-05T08:25:00.000-06:00

I was looking at my "About Me" page this morning. Sometimes I like to check out that picture to see just how far I've come. Normally I find inspiration and strength in that picture. Normally I am proud of that picture and the hard work that made it possible.

Not today.

Today I realized that the third picture, taken in July of last year had me at 278lbs. Now, the fact that that was 87lbs DOWN from the first picture, taken about 6 months before is fantastic - I know that. BUT, the fact that today I am sitting at 286.8 hurts a little bit.

Who am I kidding - it hurts a lot.

At one point last year I weighed 264lbs - that was a good day. That was a DAMN good day. That was 100lbs lost in less than a year. I was proud, I felt good and hell, I thought I looked pretty good.

And now here I am. 23lbs up from ,my lowest weight last year. And it took me less than 2 months to get here.

I know that this is a journey. I know that this is about changing my life for the long haul. I know that I will be fighting this battle for a long, long time - and this is my reminder. This is my reminder of how quickly things can change. How quickly old habits can come back and start to root themselves in my new life. How quickly my body can start to break down from not being used. How quickly the aches and pains and limitations come back.

This is a reminder of why I started this journey. The smile on my face in that picture, the way I felt when I was 100lbs down. These are all things that I have to go back and draw from when the old me is trying to come back to the surface.

Where do you draw strength from when you feel like you don't have enough of your own?

The Body Knows

2012-01-04T16:39:00.000-06:00

On this journey I learn something new every day. Every.Single.Day.

Right now, as I reintroduce my body to whole foods, healthy fats and exercise I am learning new things.

I am learning about how little credit I give my body.

I am learning about how little I trust my body.

I am realizing that this body, this vessel for my life is the only one I get.

The only one.

It sounds so simple, so obvious. We all know it and we wouldn't hesitate to remind the kid guzzling beers, the user shooting heroin, the smoker lighting up. We remind the ones we love, over and over, just how awful their choices are, just how much damage they are doing to their bodies. And then we go back for seconds, and thirds and dessert. And then we sit idle, we watch the world go by, walk by, run by.

I don't have a bad liver, I don't have track marks, I don't have black lungs - but I am still sick.

My knees hurt, my back hurts, the newly vacated extra skin on my arms makes funny noises when I shake up spray paint (4 year old kids point out the nicest things...). I crave food, I want to sit on my ass and avoid sweat. I am sick and my body knows it.

Our bodies know. They warn us. It starts small - a little bone creak in the morning. Some chafing as those thighs get bigger. Out of breath after the smallest bit of movement.

And we don't listen. So our bodies get louder. The knees hurt to bend, your back aches, your ankles swell.

And we don't listen.

And we just keep living like there will always be a tomorrow. Until there's not.

I realize now, as my body begins to brighten from the nutrients and the movement and all the good I'm giving it, I realize the body knows, and the body speaks and all we have to do, ALL WE HAVE TO DO...

Is listen.

I am listening to my body and I am going to support it as it has supported me for the last 36 years.

I am listening to my body and fueling it the way it deserves.

I am listening to my body and pushing it to perform as it was designed to.

I am listening.

Do you listen to what your body is telling you?

Not Alone

2012-01-03T10:01:00.000-06:00

So yesterday's post was a hard one for me. Not so much hard to write - to be honest once I started, the words (and tears) just flowed, but it was hard to post. It was hard to put out there to the world. It was hard to give that part of myself to someone, anyone else. But I am glad I did.

I am glad I expressed just how alone I felt because I found out something so amazing - I AM NOT ALONE.

I am not alone in this fight. I am not the only one, I am not a freak. And while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's so comforting to know I am not in this fight alone.

For everyone who commented - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

That said - yesterday was an awesome day. I kicked ass, I tracked, I exercised and I felt great!

When things are good, they are really good. And unfortunately when things are bad, they are REALLY bad.

Elisha over at My Thunder Thighs suggested something in my comments that really struck a cord with me.

I don't have an answer, but I do have a suggestion: make a list (an actual, written/typed list is probably best, but even in your head is better than nothing) of all the times you have done something different, something good, of all the times you didn't make a run through the drive thru. Those moments ARE there, I promise. You just have to make them bigger and more important in your life so that you gain confidence in the fact that it is possible to live a different life.

Right On! I am someone very rooted in what is tangible, what I can touch, what I can see - I need to see the scale move, I need to see my body change, I need to have indisputable proof before I can really get behind something. See, I can tell myself 100 times that I've done great things in the past, I've made great decisions, I've avoided the wrong choices - but if I can't put my hands on it, I can doubt it. I can belittle those great moments, I can talk myself down from the highest of highs. But, BUT - if I have it in writing. If I have dates and times and places...if I have things rooted in facts and tangibles - well hell, even I can't deny that.

So today, today I start writing my history so I can succeed in my future. Today I write down that yesterday I ate good, whole foods. Yesterday I ate in moderation and in control. Yesterday I sweated and it felt good. Yesterday I passed drive-thru after drive-thru and I didn't even think about pulling in.

Today I celebrate yesterday's success and I use it to make today even better.

What was your success yesterday? What successes will today bring you?

Everything is not okay.

2012-01-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

This morning I was reading a list of 30 things to stop doing to yourself - most of them are hitting very close to home and it is definitely something to check out (after you read my post - I'm needing some love today).

I haven't actually completed reading the list, but I got to # 25 and it hit a little too close.

"Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again."

Everything is not fine right now. I have been falling apart. I have been pretending that every is going well.

I'm not talking about my marriage or my kids or my family or my job. I'm talking about inside me. See, I've never realized I'm allowed to fall apart inside. Everyone else seems to have somewhat tangible problems, problems you can see, problems you can give a name to. I've spent every day of the last month trying to pull myself back from a problem I can't even wrap my head around. How can I fix something that I can't explain, something that I can't put a name on, something wrapped up in so much shame I can't even voice it to myself.

Something is wrong with me. I am broken. Normal people don't do the things I do, normal people don't act like this. There is something so deeply wrong with me I don't think I could ever have the strength to dig it out.

This time last week I would've been sitting at my desk eating my drive-thru breakfast - would it be 2 combo meals from Whataburger or 5 tacos from Taco Cabana? Would it be 3 breakfast sandwiches from Jack in the Box or maybe 3 from McDonald's? How long after I finished those breakfasts before I reached under the desk for the giant tin of shortbread cookies that my HR company brought me for Christmas? How many would I eat? 3? 6? 9? 30? Lunch time? Can I eat it by myself so I can gorge on a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese combo AND a 10 piece nugget combo?? Or do I have to go with someone and control myself and pretend like I really wanted that chicken salad, the whole time thinking about how I could sneak away long enough to hit a drive-thru and shovel a burger down my throat before heading back to the office. And how long after that before I reach in to my bottom drawer for the chocolate covered pretzels my staffing company brought me for the New Year? How many of those will I eat?? 5? 10? 20?? And on the way home from work - do I have time to drive-thru somewhere? A shake? Cinniminis?? What can I get in my mouth before I get home? And once I'm home? Pop Tarts? Cookies? 4 slices of bread? Covered in butter? All this before the husband gets home. While the kids are in the other room. Hiding in the kitchen like a criminal.

I am so ashamed. And it doesn't do anything for me. I don't feel any better. I already knew how all that crap tasted, it doesn't change. I already knew how all that crap makes me feel, it doesn't change.

I don't know why. I don't know what makes me do this. I don't know how to stop.

I don't know how to stop pretending to be so strong and ask for help. Hell, I don't even know who to ask - who the hell helps you when your problem is YOU?

Today I am starting over. I feel like I am always starting over. I'm so tired of starting over.

I hate to sit here and say I am sick when there are people all over this world who are really sick. Who are hungry or scared or lost or in pain - and what is wrong with me - I can't control myself. I am a disgusting fat out-of-control whiner who can't keep her damn car out of the drive-thru, who can't keep her hands out of the cookie jar, or the butter dish. How dare I complain about being sick because I have gorged on mountains of food that some people would (and do) kill for.

What is wrong with me? How did I become this person? And how do I leave this person behind?

Giving Thanks for the Juice

2011-11-30T14:48:00.000-06:00

Imagine if you will.....

It is Thanksgiving day - Turkey is roasting (or frying or smoking or whatever the hell you do with your bird), Yams are bubbling, Potatoes are mashing, Bread is baking.....the aroma - oh dear Lord forget about it.

It's only a matter of time before the table is set and the 25 plus people (seriously - that's probably even an understatement & does not include all the kids) belly up to enjoy the feast laid out before them.

Does it get any better than that?? Does it??

But wait, now imagine you have no plate of your own. No turkey, no yam, no potato, no shiny with melted butter bread....you have in front of you a red plastic cup. Full of juice. Green Frothy Juice.

Are you there yet? Are you in that seat, staring at that cup?

No? Yeah, that's because you're smarted than I was. That's because you didn't start a juice fast the day before thanksgiving. That's because you're not a glutton for punishment.

Okay, back to the present....that was me. I was the one staring at the cup of green juice. I realize I make it all sound so dramatic, but honestly it wasn't. There were a few times while cooking and prepping that I picked up a something or other and started to pop it in my mouth, but I caught myself each time and all was not lost on a carrot stick or wayward yam.

I enjoyed my juice, I enjoyed not ever having that death feeling of fullness,I enjoyed not having to unbotton my jeans to sit down. It may sound a little goofy, but I learned something important this Thanksgiving.

This is not a Holiday about celebrating food.

Thanksgiving isn't about the juiciest turkey or the best stuffing or how many pieces of pie you can stuff in your trap. Thanksgiving is 100% about giving thanks. This Thanksgiving I was thankful that I have the ability to choose what I put in my body and what I feed to my family. This Thanksgiving I was thankful that I have spent the better part of a year making my life better, making my health better and making myself a better person. And even more important, I am thankful that I can teach my children to be thankful for all that they have - every single day.

What were you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Day 1 Juice Fast (idiot!!)

2011-11-29T12:34:00.000-06:00

This post is late - sue me. Pretend if you will that it is Wednesday, November 23rd and you are all stressed out about overeating tomorrow. Feel better now?

I wasn't worried one bit about overeating and not in a NaNaNa Boo Boo kind of way, more in a what the hell am I thinking kind of way???

See, I had decided - on the day before Thanksgiving - to start a juice fast. Oh yes, nothing but freshly juiced (by me) veggies and fruit for as long as I can stand it.

I got the idea from my dear friend Wenders over at Wenderflonia, she's not a healthy living blogger, she's just amazing and I've known her since the dawn of time plus she's all hippy dippy and new age so she knows all about this detoxy communing with the earth ~~nonsense~~ stuff. She turned me on to the juice idea and since I'm all about jumping on bandwagons and I was smackdab in the middle of a restart - why not??

So, I bought a juicer and like 200 bucks worth of organic veggies and fruits - and an obscene amount of apples - not sure what I was thinking - and I was ready to go!

Wednesday I started my day with my Shakeology - I couldn't give it up so easily - this stuff is freaking awesome, plus I have a hard time wrapping my mind around giving up animal protein. I'm from Texas what do you expect??

The rest of the day was all juice - with a little steamed broccoli for dinner - baby steps right?

I felt good, I wasn't hungry and I wasn't obsessing about food. I realize part of this is because I was still on my restart high and that can usually get me through a few days but all the same, I felt good.

Day 1 - I started the day weighing 288lbs - 23lbs up from my lowest weight this year. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be 100% all juice - stay tuned....

Thankful

2011-11-24T08:13:00.000-06:00

This has been a big year for me and I have so many things to be thankful for.

Yesterday I was on a cliff looking over the edge. Yesterday I started over - AGAIN. Yesterday I stepped on the scale and immediately settled in for a pity party. I saw failure staring me in the face and I started to back down. But I didn't.

Yesterday I started over - AGAIN. And today I am Thankful for that.

Today I am thankful to be starting over - AGAIN. I didn't have to. It's easier not to. I could sit on my ass and in no time be back to 365lbs. I'd still be me, I'd still have a husband who loves me and kids that love me. I'd still have all the "things" that I have right now. What would I lose? What is the big problem?

Today I am thankful that in the past 11 months I have lost 100lbs. I didn't have to. It wasn't easy. But today I can run and I can jump and I fit in the chairs at the AT&T Center without the arms digging in to my big ass. Today I am not afraid of your seat belt not fitting around me. Today plastic lawn chairs don't make me break out in a cold sweat.

Today I am thankful for the 17lbs I have gained back - I am learning something from each one of them. I am a stronger person for having to work even harder to get rid of them again.

Today I am thankful for all the things I can do and all the things I will do in the future.

Today I am thankful for this community we have here and all the support and love that comes with it.

Today I am thankful for this journey and this fight and this life.

Today I am thankful.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

2011-11-18T12:17:00.000-06:00

I'm usually the first to point out poor decision making skills in other people. I'm also usually pretty confident in my own decision making skills.

Not so much recently.

In the last month my decision making skills have sucked. Big Time. Super Duper In the Crapper.

You know how much weight I have lost in the last 4-6 weeks?? ZERO

You know how much I have gained?? LET'S NOT FOCUS ON THAT JUST YET

You know how many times I have been to the gym or yoga or hitting the streets in the last 4 weeks?? ZERO

LOSER!! And not in a good way.

Anyway, this post isn't to declare that I am back on the horse and kicking ass and taking names and planning to lose 10lbs a week until I float away in the breeze.

This post is to reach out to my friends, this beautiful "tribe" as the simply amazing MizFit calls it. This post is to ask for help, for support, for words of encouragement, for your secret to getting back in the game, getting up after you've fallen.

This post is to say I am human, I make mistakes, I screw up - but I won't stay down. I refuse to stay down, I just need a little help getting back on my feet.

I've fallen and I CAN get up, I just need a little help.

You can't die from biting your tongue...can you??

2011-09-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

This is going to be haphazard, all over the place and possibly confusing and filled with venom - I don't care, try to follow along and for God's sake keep up.

I have a friend. Not a hang out every day and get coffee on Thursday friend, more of a we grew up together and then someone moved and through the power of facebook we get to comment on the silly shit people like me post on Facebook kind of friend.

We are both at different and yet similar places in our lives. She's funny, she's very smart and she is very committed to the people she cares about. We don't live close to each other, but even if we did I don't think we'd see each other often - not for any particular reason, I just really don't know what we would do together that we would both enjoy.

Okay, enough back story - here's my ~~point~~ ~~rant~~ ~~whine~~ bitch...

EVERY TIME I post something fitness related, an exercise, a trip to the gym, a tasty (oh dear God) healthy treat - she has some negative shitty thing to say about it.

Case in point: Recently I posted a picture of 2 beautiful rutabagas that I was on the verge of trimming, cubing and boiling for dinner. She was all over it - gross, eww, why, I only eat REAL food. REAL FOOD?? Are you kidding me? The only food I have ever seen her post about is high in fat or cholesterol or simple sugar or all of the above. Now, that alone is awful, but add that to the fact that she is overweight (not throwing stones - obviously I am no skinny minny), she is in and out of the hospital and the majority of her posts are about some test or test result or fear of illness or surgery.

UGH!! Sometimes it is just more than I can take. Sometimes it is everything I can do not to just spew venom and crap all over the face book universe. UGH!!

In truth I would just love to try and help her, LOVE to get her out of all those damn doctor's offices - all she would have to do is ask....but all she does is bitch and degrade and act like a diet consisting primarily of fatty red meat and potatoes will some how work out for her in the end.

End of rant. I apologize for the time you have wasted reading me bitch and I hope to follow this post with another post centered mainly around unicorns, rainbows and chubby bunnies.

On a different note - it's Friday - oh dear lord thank you for Friday.

The 5k that wasn't......

2011-08-06T09:19:00.000-05:00

Happy Saturday morning!! Would you like to hear about my 5k this morning??? Well, I would LOVE to tell you about it, but since I didn't go there isn't a whole hell of a lot to share!! :-(

Yep, you read right, I didn't make it. The whole family was registered, clothes were laid out and alarm was set...yep, the 6:00a.m. alarm on my iPhone was set and on and ready....and, because the phone is so smart and I am so efficient, it is programmed to go off Monday through Friday ONLY. Smart Phone FAIL.

I woke up at 7:00 when the 4 year old monster crawled in bed and at that point it was just too late. The race started at 8:00 and we live 30 minutes away - lump that in with a 4 year old, a 10 year old and a grumpy hubby and there was just no way.

Yippee, setting myself up for weekend failure is always a great idea.

So, what did I do you ask?? I turned my happy ass over and went back to sleep....or tried to at least. I tossed and turned, I read a little, I felt sorry for myself, and then I got up. And then I got dressed. AND THEN I took my happy ass out the front door and started Day 1 Week 1 of the C25K program!

I have tried the program in the past - both times at MUCH higher weights and really ill prepared. I also started both times on the treadmill because I couldn't even begin to imagine running, on the street, in public.

Today I said Screw It! If you don't want to see my jiggly ass bouncing down the road - look away...baby look away....don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this ~~wayyyyy~~ badass....... My apologies, sometimes Chicago just can't be repressed.

I hit the streets this morning, newly created playlist on and C2K program giving me the what for! Day 1 consists of a 5 minute brisk walk warm up and then alternates 60 second runs with 90 second walks and then wraps it all up with a 5 minute cool down. I skipped the 7th run - I defeated myself. Yesterday I read a post about your inner Fat guy (or girl in my case) and this morning I listened to my inner Fat Girl and I let her win. I only did 7 out of 8 runs today - that won't happen again.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it and I'm not going to erase the disappointment with breakfast tacos - that inner Fat Bitch would just LOVE that!! I'm going to hop in the shower and get dressed for the Hubby's company picnic with a boatload of people who haven't seen me since the Christmas party - 7 months and 95lbs again.....this should be fun.

Get out there and kick some ass today - you'll be happy you did! :-)

Good Week....here's my chance to screw it up!

2011-08-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

I have had a good week. A really good week.

On Monday I decided to get selfish - to do what I had to do to get what I want. On Monday my scale was sitting at 278.1

Today, Friday, it is sitting at 271.2. Can I get a Woot Woot??

My food has been on point. I've had to alter my workouts because of my previously mentioned girly bit problems, but I've been hitting the elliptical and walking to make up for my absence from Boot Camp.

This week has been great and things are moving the direction I want them to....but....BUT....I haven't hit my biggest obstacle yet. I haven't run in to my biggest foe yet. I haven't been tempted and taunted by the bitch that is......THE WEEKEND.

Does the weekend kick your ass too? Am I the only one?? It takes next to nothing for my eating to go to shit on Saturday and Sunday. I can start out great with my glorious breakfast Shakeology in hand, but by lunch time I am sliding and by dinner I am head first into a plate of enchiladas. Damn you unstructured days!!

I think I just need to keep myself busy and pre-plan my meals, just like I would Monday through Friday - I know that has worked for me in the past and lord knows it would work now if I would just do it!

I remembered this morning that I have a 5k tomorrow morning so that gets Saturday started off right and the hubby's company picnic is that afternoon so we're still going good on the keeping busy front. I'm pretty sure, with the hubby's help we can find something to do Saturday night - so 1 day down, 1 to go!

Sunday...oh Sunday, you are trouble and I know it, but I will own you this weekend. I think I will create a play list as soon as I'm done with this post - something 100% me, all the good stuff that gets me moving and smiling and feeling good and Sunday morning I will throw on my ear buds and walk my ass off. It's going to be me time and I am going to enjoy the hell out of it - I have so much going on right now I really just need to tune out the world and focus on me. We'll follow that up with church and groceries and prepping food for the next week...that should keep me good and busy all day.

Sorry to drone on, but I'm hoping that by planning ahead AND sharing my plans with everyone - I will stick with them and this will be a successful weekend and I will be somewhere in the 260 zone next week!!

Fingers crossed everyone!

Do you have trouble on the weekends? What keeps you going and on track??

Eating my worries

2011-08-02T12:56:00.000-05:00

I found something out of whack with my body yesterday. I'm not ready to go much further into it cause I'm not totally sure what the problem is and it involves my girly bits and I'm kinda freaked out and my wheels are spinning a million miles an hour and Google is just a little too forthcoming with information.

I'm sitting at my desk right now being 100% unproductive. I can't think about anything and I can't seem to do anything. I called my OBGYN this morning and unfortunately she was out of the office and over at the hospital so I told my story to the appointment lady and then the nurse and then the PA. With all the questions they had and with each time I had to repeat it I got more and more worried. I was told they would discuss it with the doctor when she got back to the office and they would call me back.

Waiting. I'm still waiting. I don't wait well.

Most likely this won't be too big of a deal. Most likely some - not majorly intense - surgery and I'll be good to go. I know this and I understand this and yet I am still stressed all to hell. I'm stressed because I don't know what this means to me physically. I don't know how long this will sideline me. I don't know how this will affect me in the future, running, heavy lifting, etc.

It's so bizarre, there are a multitude of things I should be worried about, and the only thing weighing on my mind is whether or not I can safely go to bootcamp tonight.

Funny thing is - that's not even the worst of it. The worst thing right now is that I want nothing more than to eat. To eat and eat and eat. It's 1:00 and I have already had my breakfast, morning snack and lunch and all I can think about is eating again. It's at least 2 hours until I should eat AND I'm not even remotely hungry and all I want to do is stuff my face.

Thank God I'm stuck at my office with only my afternoon snack of tuna, broccoli and cauliflower available cause I promise you if I were at home I would've already killed 6,000 calories today.

What do you do when you want to eat your worries? What do you do when it feels like the only thing that could soothe you is food?

It's about to get REAL selfish up in here!

2011-08-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

The last month has not been very fruitful.

Not very fruitful at all.

I started out July at 280.1

I ended at 278.2

I had 2 low points during July where I was sitting at 273, but I never stayed there long.

This is unacceptable. I am unwilling to accept this. I am unwilling to stop here or go backwards or move at a turtle's pace.

I don't know why everything came to such an abrupt stop - I mean I know the mechanics of it all, I just don't know why I let it happen.

What I do know is that - because I am unwilling to fail - it is time to get back to business of taking care of me.

It is time to get selfish up in here.

It is time that I focus on me and do what is right for me. It is time for me to focus.

I have decided that I am going to be 240lbs by October 1st. Yep, you heard me. I am going to lose 38.2lbs in 61 days.

Before the yelling starts - I know that is not ideal. I know 1-2lbs a week is the way to go and if you lose anymore God will kill all the remaining unicorns. Well, I don't care - I'm not a big fan of unicorns anyway.

That said, I am NOT going to be employing radical or dangerous methods to lose this weight - I'm overzealous, not dumb. What I am going to do is get back to tracking like it's my job. What I am going to do is get back to exercising like it's my job. What I am going to is plan and shop and pre-cook and pre-package and do all the things that allowed me to shed 85lbs in the first 6 months of this year.

I plan on doing A LOT of sweating. I plan on eating A LOT of veggies. And I plan on SUCCEEDING.

I have known my entire life that there is NOTHING I can't do - if I try. There is NOTHING I can't accomplish - if I try. There is NOTHING I can't have - if I want it bad enough.

I want this. I want it with everything I am.

I drove my chevy to the blog.....

2011-07-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

Did you get that? My title reference? My play on words? I ask only because I knew it was goofy as hell even as I was typing. I know exactly how corny it is even now expounding on it. I know I should delete it and replace it with a proper title that proves to everyone I am not a pure spaz. But I am, so what good would that do....

So, anyway, I pulled up my google reader today - for the first time in a long time. A LONG time. I starting getting caught up with a lot of the blogs I really enjoy, although I rarely comment, mostly because I can't comment inside the app I use on my iPhone (hint hint - if anyone has a solution for this - let me know). But I digress....while I was glad to catch up, I was also sad. I was sad to see so many blogs with no updates. No new posts, no new words of wisdom or trials and tribulations or sad times or happy times. No triumphs, no failures - just nothing.

That makes me sad. Sad because I know that when my blog goes silent I'm not usually in a good place. A few days? Okay I might just be super busy. A week? Things are probably a little crazy and stressful, but I'm not completely detached just yet. 2 weeks? I'm in a bad place. Maybe work, maybe life, but most definetly food/exercise/balance, the 3 things I now know I desperately need, are WAY out of whack.

So, when I see so many blogs with nothing new to report I feel pretty confident these people need to be reaching out because they need support the most. I know that I've been in need of support lately, I've needed the comments and affirmations and love that comes from my readers and my friends. And I know that if I'm not posting, if I'm not tweeting, if I'm not interacting with the people that lift me up I just fall further down.

It is amazing the support and strength you can gain from the blogosphere, it is amazing how far I've come in part because of support I've received from people I've never met in real life (except of course for the ones I have and now love even more). I've have started probably 10 post in the last 2 weeks - but I haven't finished one of them. I've have all kinds of things I'd love to share, but I've just held on to all of them.

I realize now that when my life is out of balance my blog is too. I don't like that, I don't like that at all.

Tomorrow is a new month. Tomorrow I get back in balance. Tomorrow I take my life back and I share it (in all it's corny glory) with all of you.

I don't want to be the empty blog in your reader. What do you do when your life is out of balance?

I'm getting my damn mojo back - one way or another!

2011-07-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

Today I pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps. Today I get back to living for me, taking care of me, loving me.
By any means necessary I am going to take care of myself. I am going to win this battle and be the best damn me possible.
Yesterday I went tanning. WTF? Who cares - I loved it, I'm going back this afternoon.
Today I went and had Hydro fusion therapy - does this shit even do anything? Who cares - I relaxed and enjoyed myself and I'm gonna do it again tomorrow.
I am really feeling this whole "Who Cares" movement I've got going on and I am going to embrace it.

Today I updated my progress pic. I've come a hell of a long way and I am NOT quitting now. Thank you to everyone who supports me and helps lift me up - I assure you that the next time I need to be lifted up, there will be a lot less of me!

Detached

2011-07-05T16:36:00.000-05:00

As of this morning I have lost 90lbs this year.

This may not make any sense, but I don't know what to say about it. I don't know how to feel about it. I feel very detached from it.

This entire post is very probably going to be confusing as hell so I do apologize in advance.

I've lost 90lbs. I've released 90lbs from my body. In 6 months. In 183 days. That's almost half a pound a day since January 3rd. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel like I am talking about someone else. I don't feel like I have done this.

I still don't believe I am capable of working this hard. Of watching everything I eat. Of exercising regularly. Of treating my body right.

There are times that I am beaming with pride, times that I want to shout from every corner - LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE! LOOK AT WHAT I AM BECOMING!

There are times when I believe I am the most amazing woman on the planet and there is nothing I can't do.

This should be one of those times. It isn't.

I don't feel bad, I'm not depressed or sullen or down at all. I'm numb.

I don't feel anything about this one way or the other and it is confusing the hell out of me.

Someone asked me today if I was going to throw a party when I reached 100lbs lost. No. No, I don't think I will.

I will be proud of myself. I will be proud of my hard work and dedication. But I won't be throwing a party.

That day will be just like any other day. I will get up, I will hit the streets and get my sweat on. I will pack my food for the day. I will drink my breakfast. I will work hard and I will eat right and it will be a regular day just like any other day.

I don't know why I am so numb to this. I hope it's because I am looking at the bigger picture. I hope it's because I am 100% in it to win it. I hope it is because I know there is no reason to celebrate until I cross the finish line.

I don't take a single pound for granted, but my work here is far from done.

Re-Focusing

2011-07-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

I am not entirely proud of the last 6 weeks. I'm not ashamed, I didn't gain and continued to lose, but I didn't give 100%. I didn't do everything I needed to do, everything I knew I could do.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to be rid of the lbs I did lose, but I know - without a doubt - I should've lost much more in that amount of time. I've got it in me and I am totally capable of doing it.

I just didn't put in the work. I didn't log my food as diligently as I know I need to. I know that if I don't have it all down in black and white I give myself room to "bargain" and that is not something I can afford right now.

I have been working out, but not as much as I was. My life got busy and the first thing I let slide was my exercise. I started going to only 1 boot camp a night instead of 2. I started missing more workouts than I needed to.

I stopped posting here like I know I should. I stopped checking in with my tweeps as often as I know I should.

I stopped/slowed so many things that have gotten me this far and I am feeling the effects.

I am re-focusing now. I am getting back to tracking everything I eat. I am getting back to working out as hard as I can all the time. I am going to focus on all the NSVs I have been posting about and I am going to add even more to the list.

I am almost half way through this and I am going to finish just as strong as I started.

What do you do when you feel yourself slipping? How do you get back and stay in the game??

Weigh in Wednesday - Back on Track

2011-06-29T11:49:00.000-05:00

This will be quick - just like everything else in my life right now. My head is constantly spinning, there is always something to be done, or some crisis, or something....but I won't complain......much.

I'm a crappy blogger right now - I know this - but, as goofy as it sounds I am blogging constantly in my head. I have a damn near constant inner dialog with every one who has ever or will ever read any of this. If I could just figure out a way to stream it onto here I would be the most badass (or super annoying) blogger on the planet.

But, until then, just know that I use every comment and every story to keep pushing forward and kicking ass and I am forever grateful.

So now for the good stuff.............

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 284.6lbs

Current Weight: 279.6lbs

This weeks LOSS -5.0 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 85.4

279.6

Can I get a WhatWhat???

Okay, I am back on track, back in business, back shaking my ass. I've got a lot of really big, really exciting stuff coming up that I can't wait to share, but for now I will just sit back and smile at 5 more pounds that I will NEVER see again.

Have a kick ass day!

And yes, that pedicure is now officially 8 weeks old. Whatever.

Weigh In Wednesday...Like 7 weeks late....

2011-06-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

My last Weigh-In Wednesday was a big one. I got under 300lbs for the first time in a LONG time - and I was proud.

And then I went through a bunch of emotions, good and bad, and I had a little vacation, and I had some NSV's and I got really busy and basically life just encompassed me.

So anyway, I am WAY overdue for a Weigh-In Wednesday, so here it is, short, sweet and 7 weeks later...

And, of freaking course Blogger is being a pain in my ass and I can't upload the picture....However, I will ask you to trust me when I say - it is my feet and my scale and the number 284.6. (it is also the same pedicure I had 7 weeks ago - don't judge me)

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 299.6lbs

Current Weight: 284.6lbs

7 weeks LOSS -15.0 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 80.4

284.6

I'll tell you right now - I am somewhat disappointed with that number. I should be further down. I should have lost more than 15lbs in 7 weeks. I know that I could have lost more.

But, I didn't. I am working on a post right now center on re-dedication and hopefully things will get back on track pretty soon.

For now, I am 80lbs down and 5lbs away from my weight at my first "Oh Shit I Really Am Pregnant" doctor visit with my first (now 10 year old) son.

I'm still pretty awesome.

From Celebration to Embarrassment

2011-06-21T09:33:00.000-05:00

When I first started this journey I took so much pride in each pound I left behind.

And when other people noticed I beamed from the attention.

Things are starting to change.

I am almost 80lbs down. I have lost what I like to call a Shit Ton of weight. Unfortunately I still have a Shit Ton and a half to go.

Okay, maybe just a Shit Ton and a quarter, but still - it is a ridiculous amount of weight.

Now when I see someone I haven't seen in awhile and they ask how much weight I've lost - I hesitate to say. I don't want to admit that after losing almost 80lbs I am still not even half way to goal.

I imagine what they are thinking - and it hurts.I imagine them thinking about what a fat ass I am. I imagine them thinking about what I had to do in order to get this way.

I used to take so much pleasure in the shock I got from people, and now it just hurts.

I know what I am doing is a good thing. And I know that I feel better about myself than I have in years, but this occasional pain is a reminder.

A reminder of how I never want to feel again.

A reminder of a place I never want to go back to.

A reminder of just how important I am to myself.

NSV # 4 - Chairs, sweet, spacious chairs....

2011-06-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I almost left this NSV out. This is just about the best one yet.

I can sit damn near anywhere. ANYWHERE.

I took my son to the pediatrician today and I didn't have that feeling of dread when I sat down in their little double armed chairs. I didn't have to wedge myself in sideways. I didn't have to hold down the arms of the chair when I stood up to keep from wearing the chair like a big ass accessory!

That felt good. That felt DAMN GOOD.

About 2 months ago my oldest son was singing during intermission at a San Antonio Rampage hockey game at the AT&T center. The AT&T center is a great place to watch sporting events, but not a great place for us big ass gals! The seats are narrow. Deadly narrow. But 2 months ago I fit and again, I didn't have to wedge myself in sideways.

About a month ago we went to one of the first games of the season for the San Antonio Missions baseball team. And, once again, I sat comfortably in the little stadium seat.

In the past few months I have sat in any chair I wanted to.

In the past few months I have walked into restaurants and not been embarrassed at having to specify a table instead of a booth for fear that I'll have to eat with my boobs in my plate or worse, won't even be able to get in the booth.

I can sit damn near anywhere, and that feels great, but what feels even better is not being afraid.

I've lost almost 80lbs this year and it feels great, but it can't even touch the way it feels to not be afraid.

NSV # 3 - My Ass Hurts

2011-06-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

Did I get your attention?

Oddly enough - especially if you know me - that was not my goal.

I was being honest. My ass hurts. And not just in the I did too many damn squats/lunges/sprints this week kinda way. I've become used to that kind of pain, I've come to expect it, I've come to relish it.
Soreness for me has become something I crave, something I draw comfort from. Soreness means I have worked just a little bit harder than normal, I've given a little more effort, I've progressed.

Soreness like that is not something I complain about.

So it seems the pain in my ass calls for a little explanation...

Saturday morning we all piled in to the truck to head out for breakfast - the hubby and the kiddos having been up for an hour, myself having already walked a 5k and attended boot camp (I'm such a filthy bragger).

We pulled up to the restaurant and started walking inside when my husband said something I didn't quite catch. I asked him to repeat himself and he just gave me his best sly smile and said nothing.

We are, by nature, smart asses, so I was pretty certain he was being a shit and I wasn't too terribly worried about it.

Once we were inside the hostess seated us at a beautiful, heavy solid wood table surrounded by equally beautiful, heavy solid wood chairs. We ordered our drinks and our food and settled in to wait for the good stuff. Except me, I was shifting around in my chair. I was trying to get comfortable in my beautiful, heavy solid wood chair.

And then my husband laughed.

Me - Excuse me? Are you laughing at me? Are YOU laughing at me??

Him - You wanna know what I said to you outside?? I said you've lost your ass.

Me - Huh?

Him - Your ass - you've lost your ass.

Me - Well what the hell does that have to do with anything??

Him - You're uncomfortable in your chair right now. You've got less cushion and these beautiful, heavy solid wood chairs are giving you fits.

And that is when the last 2 weeks of awkward moments all came together.

Pain in my ass on the gym bleachers.

Pain in my ass sitting on the tile floor at home.

Pain in my ass in this beautiful, heavy solid wood chair.

Hell, even pain in my ass sitting on the toilet!!

I'm losing my built in padding - I can actually FEEL what I am sitting on.

Now I know I am building up the muscle in this ass I speak of and eventually it won't hurt to pee, but it does for now, and I'm okay with that.

My ass hurts...........and that's a good thing.

NSV # 2 - A new House of Pain.....

2011-06-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

JUMP AROUND.......JUMP AROUND.......JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN....

I have been caught more times than I like to admit singing the above words, at the top of my lungs, while sit dancing in my car. I am not ashamed. You can't not sing that damn song when it comes on.

That said, I don't jump around. I don't jump period. I started this year at 365lbs - that is a whole lot of me to get off the ground. I am sitting at 290lbs today - that is still a whole lot of me to get off the ground. More often than not our drill sergeant, uh I mean trainer, at boot camp has us do jumping jacks.

I don't do jumping jacks.

Instead of the requested jacks, I do step-outs. Now, don't get me wrong, I do some fierce step-outs. I put my body into it, I step out as far and hard and fast as I can, I raise my arms with a vengeance (God help anyone who happens to walk by me) - but I DO NOT JUMP. I can't. I weigh 290lbs, I have a torn meniscus in my left knee, I have severe osteoarthritis in both knees. I CANNOT JUMP.

So, last night at boot camp our drill sergeant, uh I mean trainer, was Coach. I don't know Coach's name, he's just Coach. He's an older gentleman who used to coach football here locally. And he is 100% coach.

And I like him, I like him a lot. I was an athlete in High School, I was coached by High School coaches and while I didn't like it too much then, it feels like home now.

And, because he kind of takes me back to feeling like that High School over-achiever I want to work hard for him, I want praise from him, I kinda want to make him proud.

So last night we lined up and we got ready to get our sweat on and the first thing he said was:

JUMPING JACKS!

50!

COUNT 'EM OFF!

GO!

And then something weird happened.

My Coach told me to do 50 jumping jacks.....so I did 50 jumping jacks. I didn't hesitate. I didn't think about it. I just did it.

About 25 in I realized what I was doing. I realized I was lifting my 290lbs off the ground and by God I was doing jumping jacks.

I wish like hell I had a picture of the goofy ass look I had on my face when I realized what I was doing. I worked my ass off last night. I finished that boot camp and I stayed for the next one. I ran, I jumped, I squatted, I growled and groaned and I WORKED MY ASS OFF.

And when it was all said and done, Coach came over to me with a smile on his face and said:

You worked hard today girl, good job.

And that felt good, for 2 hours last night I was 16 years old and working hard for my coach. I didn't even realized until now how bad I needed that.

Then I drove home, singing at the top of my lungs and sit dancing....

JUMP AROUND.......JUMP AROUND.......JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN....

NSV # 1 - 2 year old Pajamas made me cry.

2011-06-01T15:58:00.000-05:00

Valentines Day 2009. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

Kidding, it wasn't all that dramatic, but whatever.

We have a Valentines Day tradition, it started 9 years ago and we haven't screwed it up yet! We don't go to the same fancy restaurant, we don't go dance under the stars next to the river, we don't renew our vows on the courthouse steps. Nope, we fire up the grill, throw on some steaks and mushrooms and other tasty wonders and we have dinner together at home, usually there are kids involved and we are a-okay with it! We don't normally exchange presents and we are a-okay with that too!

However, 2 years ago, on the aforementioned Valentines Day 2009, I came home to find a beautiful vase filled with Tulips, a cuddly teddy bear and a purple hat box wrapped in purple ribbon. This was odd for multiple reasons - not the least of which being that I am not a teddy bear girl, a hat box girl or a purple ribbon girl. However, when I opened the box I was quite pleased! The Hubs bought me a Pajama Gram!! I am a sucker for comfy lounge wear - especially comfy lounge wear in pink and covered with old school "tattoos."

Unfortunately that's about where the happiness ended. The first thing I checked was the size. XL. Yep, one single X L...........sigh.

Fortunately for my clueless husband his first comment upon seeing the sigh in my eyes was,

"They should be perfect, the lady said they run a little big."

Oh you sweet, cute man. How wonderful is it that he actually thought a pair of size XL pajamas would only need to "run a little big" to encompass all that is (was) my ass.

I was disappointed - not with him, but with me. I was disappointed that my husband couldn't buy me pajamas or a T-shirt or damn near anything for that matter.

I put the cute little purple hat box, wrapped in the pretty purple ribbon up on the highest dusty shelf of my closet. And that is where it has lived for the past 2 years and 3 months.

Until this past weekend. Something happened this weekend - I would like to say it is a rare occurrence, but I can't lie to you guys - I ran out of clothes. Nothing clean, nothing that would even pass the "smells go enough for one more round" test - in my defense I have a lot less clothes than usual because I keep shrinking out of them (squeeeeee).

What to do, what to do....and then I spotted it. I spotted the, now dusty, cute little purple hat box, wrapped in the pretty purple ribbon on the highest dusty shelf of my closet. I pulled it down, I opened it up and without hesitation I pulled those bad girls on. Then I sat down on my bed and cried. I cried for 10 minutes over a pair of pajama bottoms. I cried the happiest tears I have cried in a long time. It felt so good I kinda wanna start crying again.

I cried over 2 year old pajamas - and it was good.

And the award goes to.....

2011-05-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling over my FitBloggin recap. I've been trying to figure out just how to best express what it meant to me. I can't tell you my story of Fitbloggin - too long, too wordy, too much. I can't just give you an outline of it cause that would just not do justice to the event.

What I can do however is host my very own FitBloggin awards ceremony. I may be the only person in attendance, but I am wearing a hot purple prom dress and really, what else do you need?

So, without further ado....

The Award for best quote of the weekend goes to.....Sharla over at 26.2 mile journey

"I've been doing JackShit all week!"

You know, now that you mention it, Jack did look a little worn out by the end of FitBloggin.

The Award for highest attendance at a Gun Show (outside of Texas) goes to.....MizFit

Did you see those freakin' things??

The Award for best Tutu goes to...............Britt over at Less Britt, More Life

I am pretty sure that girl wore that damn thing for 3 full days! :-)

The Award for Longest Tongue goes to..............Christine aka DubyaWife

She also received honorable mention in the Best Photo Bomb category...

The Award for best hugs goes to...............Tara (duh)

The Award for Most Awkward photo goes to.............Holly Perkins

The Award for most precisely groomed facial hair goes to.............Jess over at Too Big

My husband looks like Sasquatch compared to this guy - are all you other men listening?? Is it too much to ask?? Thanks for bringing it correct Jess!

The Award for best strong arming of a waitress goes to.....Jen over at Jen in Real Life

Don't be fooled by the panda on her head she is so hardcore....and I was so hiding under the table.

The Award for Highest Energy goes to.............Robby over at Fat Girl vs. World

She will also be accepting the award for Excelling in the Maryland Catch, Tag and Release program - I'm still sportin' my tag.

The Award for most pairs of super cute shoes in one bag goes to.........Julie @ ChubbyMommyRunningClub

Seriously, once they starting flying out of that magic bag I thought it would never end!

The Award for Best Hair goes to..................Mara over at Medicinal Marzipan

Seriously, I kinda wanted to punch her - she wakes up and it just looks like that! Jeez.

The Award for Strongest Stomach goes to.............Lisa over at Growing Up Mo

It's like the damn thing is made of cast iron. Amazing, simply amazing.

Award for Most Enthusiasm/Best Reception/Cutest Hat goes to...........FoodieMcBody

When I met you I knew I was supposed to be at FitBloggin and I am forever grateful for your encouragement.

Award for best "Going Steady" outfits goes to................MizFit and Mrs. Fatass

They were just the cutest things!!

Award for Best Dual Conference Scheduling goes to.........Marriot Waterfront

Seriously - Hazardous Materials and Firemen - Bring it!!

There are more awards, they come to me often which is one of the reasons it took me so damn long to get this post up. I loved everyone I met and I had a fantastic time. This conference was less about blowing up my blog and more about adding to my family.

Now if I could just figure out how to get some of them to relocate to Texas.....

**A special thanks goes out to Carrie D. (official FitBloggin photographer), Tara-Lou and JulieJulie for the pictures that I borrowed but linked to and am hugely grateful for.

I have to do what's right for me. REVISED!!!

2011-05-18T10:08:00.001-05:00

Today is a heavy, heavy day - and not in a big ass kind of way, more like a weight of the world kind of way.

Today is the last day of prep before my plane leaves at 10:30 tomorrow morning headed for FitBloggin!

Today is the day I make a decision based entirely on what I need to keep moving forward on this journey.

When I first signed up for Fitbloggin I was over the moon excited - I couldn't wait to be a part of this and spend time with all the wonderful people who are going to be hugging it out in the next few days.

Things have changed. The last 2 weeks have been really hard and I have been full of doubts and fears and failures and insecurities.

I fell off the wagon and paid the price, my weight-loss slowed, my dedication faultered and the scale reflected it.
I received a diagnosis on my knee that I did not want and now I am faced with a decision I do not want to make.
I found out a dear friend of mine is sick and unfortunately has made some bad decisions because of her illness that will forever affect her life.

The last 2 weeks have been so very taxing, so very taxing. I realize now that my journey is very dependent on me keeping stress and outside interference to a minimum. I realize now that my journey can be very easily derailed if I do not keep focused at all times. I realize now that my blog has become less of a tool to move me forward, which is what I wanted it to be from the beginning. I have spread myself too thin in the social network world and have not focused on the people who are really out here supporting me and needing my support.

Things are about to change.

I have a few decisions to make in order to get things back in order, a few things I need to do in order to make sure I stay on track and keep walking this walk.

I am going to delete my FattyBoobLatty Facebook - hell, it's hard enough to keep up with one what do I need a second one for? Somewhere on this journey I divided my life - I am not 2 people, I am 1 person on 1 journey to get control of my life.
I am going to use my blog as it was intended, as a tool to get me further along.
I am already back on the wagon and the scale is moving again and I am feeling better again.
I am not going to FitBloggin. Unfortunately right now I need to minimize distractions and avoid putting any unnecessary roadblocks in my way. I honestly think that next year I will be ready, but this year I have to be honest with myself and realize I am not.

Fuck that. I am going. I'm going to FitBloggin. I am going to risk feeling awkward.

I'm gonna risk looking like a dork.

I'm gonna be away from home for a few days and when I get back I'll pick up where I left off.

Thanks Tara for being awesome and making sense and knowing what a dumbass I am.

~~I am disappointed. I was looking forward to meeting so many great people and I am truly sad that I will not have that chance - not yet anyway.~~

This was a difficult decision, but I am confident it was the right decision. I have got to take care of me right now and look out for me right now. My journey isn't just about weight loss, it's about being a better me, a healthier me, a better mom for my kids and a better wife for my husband. My journey is about a long life with the ones I love.

~~I do have plans to attend FitBloggin in the future, when I am more comfortable in my walk and more at peace in my heart.~~

Have fun everyone!! ~~And slug Tara for me if you get the chance, I owe her one.~~ Don't bother, I'll slug her myself tomorrow. At FitBloggin.

I am such a freakshow. It's not even funny. Not even a little.

Coolest kid in the neighborhood!

2011-05-10T14:06:00.000-05:00

A little recap of the past 4 months, in case you've missed anything:

I weighed 365lbs
I exercised
I ate right
I lost 66lbs
I started having excruciating pain during squats, lunges, while jogging and eventually while walking
I became terrified that I would no longer be able to exercise
I gave in to my husband and visited an orthopedic doctor
He broke my heart with news of my torn meniscus
I became even more terrified that I would no longer be able to exercise
I kept exercising
It kept hurting

So that gets us up to today. Today is the day before the day I meet with my doctor again to find out if he will try to convince me to have surgery in the coming weeks or (God willing) he will shoot me full of cortisone and get me through the remainder of this year before surgery.

And now let's back up to yesterday. Yesterday was the day before the day before the day the doctor....oh hell, you know where we are by now don't you? Yesterday was the day I convinced myself (after extensive googling) that I needed a bike for my morning/evening exercise since I can no longer walk on asphalt without my knee threatening to explode. And, because I am all about instant gratification, I went out and bought one!

Introducing - My Boy Blue

Isn't he cute? I got a "starter" bike for a few reasons:
1 - To be honest I was pretty scared I wouldn't even be able to ride.
2 - With IGS (Instant Gratification Syndrome) comes AHT (Abandoned Hobbies and Toys) so spending less up front saves me money in the long run.
3 - If I am able to ride and I enjoy it I can "give" Blue to the hubby and buy myself a super cool, rockstar bike. (and yes, that is the kind of person I am)

So, all that said, last night I took My Boy Blue out for a spin! Wait, let's back up about 2 hours, first thing I did was haul the beast out of the back of my car and impress the hell out of my 9 year old. Seriously, his eyes lit up like stars when he realized his big old mom was going to potentially be his biking buddy!! And, since the street was basically empty and there were no neighbors in their yards to witness my impending failure, I decided to give it a shot. And you know what? I totally rode that bike! I was scared and pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to stop and get off it without falling on my ass, but I rode that bike! (and I didn't fall on my ass)

And you know what? 2 hours and 1 boot camp later, I rode that bike again. In fact, I rode the shit out of that bike! Okay, maybe only 3 miles or so, but I still rode that damn bike. And, cliche as it may sound, I felt like a kid again. I felt free and young and amazing. I rode fast down hills and listened to the wind in my ears. I struggled up hills and pushed through the burning in my legs because I knew it was all downhill after that.

And you know what else?? My knee didn't hurt. I broke a sweat, I moved my legs, I felt my muscles working - and my knee didn't hurt.

Now, my lady bits? That's a whole different story.

Were bike seats always this uncomfortable?

Come visit me!!

2011-05-06T09:52:00.001-05:00

Today I am guest posting over at Leaving Fatville!!

I was asked and I delivered and I'd love to share all of my posting glory with you guys....that was too much wasn't it? Crap. I'm such a drama queen.

After you've read my post and commented on how fabulous ~~I am~~ it is check out Leaving Fatville's blog - this hot chick is a ~~smartass~~ Rockstar and is worthy of your time!!

Et Tu Meniscus??

2011-05-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Well, after 4 months I finally have a diagnosis. After 4 months of pain I can finally put a name to it.

I have a torn meniscus in my left knee.

(not my leg, but I'm a fan of purple)

Now what?

Tomorrow morning at 7:30 I'm having an MRI that will decide the direction my journey takes next. I spoke to my new (and support cute) orthopaedist yesterday and gave him my best "keep me in the game coach" speech. I told him about all the progress I've made this year, I've told him how hard I work and tried to make him understand the wave of momentum I am riding right now. I told him that I am in no way ready to take off 6 to 8 weeks to let my knee heal after surgery - it is just not something I can even consider right now.

And, amazingly enough, he listened. We talked about what-ifs, and worse case scenarios and we talked about buying me more time before we have to attempt any repair.

So tomorrow we find out. And let me tell you, I have every finger, toe, leg, arm, eye crossed that it is not severe enough to require surgery right away. Hopefully we can just keep my knee shot up with steroids and buy me 5 or 6 more months. And to be honest, I don't know if I can commit to surgery right now - even if he says it's the only option. I don't think I'm strong enough yet to stay on track - I don't know if I can overcome this kind of setback. I guess we shall see.

On a brighter note.....yesterday when they called to schedule the MRI the scheduler asked if I weighed under 300lbs....why yes, yes I do. One pound under as a matter of fact. :-)

A BIGGGG Weigh-In Wednesday!!!!

2011-05-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I avoided twitter and facebook as much as possible - it was hard to, but I had to. See, when I weighed in yesterday morning it was a good weigh-in, a really good weigh-in. BUT, I didn't want to make the announcement until today - official Weigh-in Wednesday and all....

So, without further ado....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 302.6lbs

Current Weight: 299.6lbs

This weeks LOSS -3.0 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 65.4

299.6

I am out of the 300's. Forever. Forever-ever. I am done with having a 3 in front of my weight and I am on my way to One-derland.

It would be hard for me to be any more excited about this - seriously. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, sent me encouraging words, fought this battle next to me and traveled this road with me - I couldn't do it without you and I wouldn't want to.

In the last 4 months...

2011-05-01T09:27:00.000-05:00

Today is May 1st.

The 1st day of the 5th month of the year.

The 1st day of the 5th month of the year I decided to take back control and get back on the road to being the badass person I was intended to be.

A lot has happened in the past 4 months. Some of it pretty obvious and some of it not so much.

In the past 4 months I have....

* Weighed, measured and logged 98% of every single thing I have eaten - good or bad.

* Exercised almost daily and increased my exercise consistently.

* Tried things I would not have considered before 2011 - bootcamps, zumba, 5k's.

* I have dropped 4 pant sizes.

* Shared my journey with people who want to support me and help me along.

* Started to find the me that was pushed down and hidden under all these layers of doubt, uncertainty, sadness and mistrust.

In the last 4 months I have lost 65 pounds of physical weight and immeasurable emotional weight.

This has been one hell of a year and I can't remember a time - ever - in my life that I felt so good in my own skin. I have made it over the hump, around the barrier and through the wall. I am moving forward with nothing holding me back. I've got a long way to go and I am excited about getting there. I have failures and I have slip-ups, but I am no longer a quitter. It is no longer an option.

Please believe me when I say there is no excuse, and trust me, I have made them all. There is no excuse good enough to live another day of your life miserable. There is no excuse good enough to deny yourself the happiness you deserve. There is no excuse good enough to give up on yourself.

I have made many changes in the last 4 months and I am sure I will make many more in the months to come.

What have you done for yourself in the last 4 months and what will you do for yourself in the coming months?

How did you start your day??

2011-04-30T12:41:00.000-05:00

Me?

I got the hubby and the kids out the door by 6:30!! It's a long day of building fences out at the ranch for them!

I made my Shakeology chocolate with banana and some flax-seed meal, took a shower and headed out the door!

Saturday morning boot-camp was calling my name! And when I got to the gym - Saturday morning boot-camp decided to kick my ass!

I left a good bit of me on the parking lot outside the gym, and it felt good!!

I hope this picture expresses to you just how freaking hard I worked! Unfortunately you can't see that my collar sweat extends about 8 inches down!

I'm back home now, I've showered for the second time today and because I couldn't find any clean undies - I am wearing a pair of the hubby's (don't judge, it's better than commando)!

So far today has been pretty kick-ass...but maybe it could be a slightly bit better....what could I do to kick it up a notch?? What could possible make me feel even better?? Hmmmmm....

PEDICURE!!

I'm out of here! Enjoy your Saturday - what will you do to make it kick-ass???

What are you doing today??

2011-04-29T09:09:00.001-05:00

Nothing exciting to report - spent last night sitting on sofa icing my knees after 2 pretty good bootcamps. Circuits, lotsa squats, lotsa movement, lotsa jogging.

Yep regular old Bootcamp.

What?

What's that you say?

You thought I said jogging?

Was my 300lb ass jogging?

Why yes, yes it was.

And it was glorious.

Glorious.

I didn't run a marathon or a half or a 5k, I just jogged. I jogged during warm-up, in between lunges and high-knees. I jogged between stations, I jogged back to the start when each circuit was done. I jogged when I didn't even have to jog.

I'll admit, it wasn't pretty. Hell, I didn't even wear my Enell so the girls were perilously close to flying off my chest and I'm pretty sure my ass was rising and falling a good 6 inches with each stride - but you know what?? I didn't give a shit! I couldn't care less! I was jogging, my knee wasn't screaming and I didn't feel like my lungs were going to fly out of my chest.

Last night I jogged. Lord only knows what amazing thing I am going to do today!!!

What are you going to do today??

I'm Not Who I Was..........Thank God.

2011-04-28T08:30:00.002-05:00

I'm not who I was.

I heard that this morning.

I love those words, I love that song.

I believe I am not who I was, and that is a good thing. I am not 100% sure who I am just yet, and I am okay with that.

This journey started out as me trying to lose weight and trying to get healthy and in the beginning that is exactly what I did. I lost weight, I got healthier, I felt good.....and then I started to feel different. I started feeling different in my own skin, my outlook on food became different, exercise became something I enjoyed, looked forward to, strove to be better at. I realized that the further I got in this journey the less there was of me physically AND emotionally.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not becoming a soulless sweat monkey.

What I am doing is shedding so many of the emotions that have held me back for so long. I doubt myself less, I am no longer disappointed in my choices, I am not ashamed of the way I look, I am not disgusted by myself, food no longer torments me and I am no longer neglectful of my health. I am slowly but surely letting go of these things and it is making me lighter than any bootcamp/race/zumba/yoga ever could. What is even better about this change in me is that all these negative emotions are being replaced with so many things I have denied myself or felt unworthy of.

I'm not good enough to speak up first in a meeting, even when I know I am the most qualified person in the room.

Screw that.
I will speak up - because I know what I am talking about and if you don't believe me just challenge me so I can drop kick your ass verbally.

I'm not worthy of completments, and every time you give me one I am going to deflect it.

Screw that.
I do look beautiful - thank you for saying so, I really appreciate it.

I don't deserve pretty jewelry - lipstick on a pig boys and girls.

Screw that.
Why yes, I will have that giant, over-done, 4lb turquoise necklace - I have an Underarmour shirt and yoga pants it would go great with! ;-)

I have no value and therefore will continue along the path I've been on because there is nothing else for me.

Well, fuck that.
I am worth more than I will ever know and what I deserve more than anything else is to be happy and contended with my life and the way I am living it.

Yep, that's more like it.

Life is too damn short not to know what a badass human being you are - please don't spend another minute thinking you aren't worthy cause eventually you run out of minutes.

Weigh-in Wednesday - ON WEDNESDAY!!

2011-04-27T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm back I'm back I'm back - lord - how many posts have started like that?

How many times am I going to be "back" in the game?

How many times am I going to feel "out" of the game?

It's funny, when you start your journey - when you're fed up with being fat and unhealthy and unhappy you have big plans of going gung-ho, balls to the wall, all-out and normally you do.

But it can't last forever and it sometimes doesn't last very long at all.

I've been on this journey many times before, many, many times before and many times I've been derailed because I couldn't maintain my gung-ho, balls to the wall attitude. I hit a wall, a road block, a side of the road taco stand....whatever it was, my weight-loss stalled, my motivation slowed and when you've been living one way for so long it only takes the slightest resistance to turn you right back around.

I've dealt with that 100 times if I've dealt with it once and every time I have given up, turned around and went back to the life I was living.

Well, almost every time.

I've learned something new this time around. I've learned how to climb over that wall, drive through that road block and pass right by that taco stand without a second thought.

I've learned that I can do it - if I choose to to.

I can do it - if I want it bad enough.

I can do it - because I love myself enough to do it.

Things are always going to get in your way. Your car is going to break down on the way to the gym. The kids are going to have choir practice 3 nights a week because their teacher is a perfectionist. Some jackass at your office is going to show up with 7 different flavors of cheesecake. Your scale is going to stop moving cause sometimes your body just likes to fuck with you. Shit happens and it always will.

What I've learned about this journey is that there is something more important than calories and fat and carbs and proteins and cardio and weights and super cute trainer guys - the most important thing on my journey is realizing a little resistance is just another chance to push back, push harder, move forward.

Every day I get stronger and every day I push that much harder and that is what keeps me going.

And, sometimes when it just seems to hard to push back - the scale does the pushing for you....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 308.0lbs

Current Weight: 302.6.0lbs

This weeks LOSS -5.4 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 62.4

2011 is looking to be one hell of a year boys and girls!!

I can do anything!

2011-04-26T09:38:00.000-05:00

This morning was a whole series of crappy events that culminated into one, big, wonderful, glorious thing!

This morning I woke up late - 45 minutes late. For some reason my alarm didn't go off and my body allowed me 45 minutes extra before the need to pee overcame my need to sleep!

Then, after my shower, I realized I didn't have any clean jeans - crap. Sure, I could always do the "which are the cleanest" test on the pile in the washer room, but I just didn't feel up to sniffing dirty jeans this morning. So, I went back to my closet to the jeans I never wear shelf and started searching.

The first pair I tried on were a LB size 6 blue - I don't know what that equates to in reality since LB's new stupid sizing is just that - stupid, but either way they were too big. Crap.

Then, for some reason and with much doubt, I grabbed the size 20 jeans, still wrapped in plastic that I had waiting for me. I knew they weren't going to fit, I knew I wasn't ready for size 20s yet, but with my only option being dirty and somewhat loose jeans I decided to give it a shot.

And you know what happened???

You know what happened???????

They fit. By God they fit!!

I did a little tugging and they were a little snug to start, but they fit.

You know what I did next?

I bawled my damn eyes out. I cried like a little girl. Big alligator tears all over my shirt, the floor, snot down my nose. I cried the happiest tears I have cried in a long time, I am crying right now just thinking about how absolutely wonderful that felt.

I am doing this. I am making this work and I am making progress and I am winning (and not in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word).

I am proud of myself and I am so anxious to move forward. I am so motivated to keep going and keep getting healthier and stronger and happier.

January 3rd of this year I had no idea where I would be today, I had no idea how much weight I would lose, I had no idea what size I would be wearing - the only thing I knew is that I was going to make a change in my life, a big change, I was going to give it all I had and do my best and see where it got me.

Today is one of those days that remind me I can do anything. I can have anything. I can be anything I want to be.

Today is one of those days that make me feel powerful and alive and just plain good.

It is so cliche and seems so goofy to say, but the only thing you can't do is the thing you don't try.

Weigh in Wednesday..on Thursday...again...don't judge me...

2011-04-21T10:32:00.000-05:00

There is a lot going on in my neck of the woods,so unfortunately Weigh In Wednesday is happening on Thursday....again....whatever.

I'm waiting for my doctor's office to call me back and discuss the x-ray results for my knee so we can make a plan moving forward. I am super frustrated right now and missing 7 boot camps in the last week has been extremely hard on me physically and to be honest mentally.

So, without further ado - bring on the weigh-in!

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 312.0lbs

Current Weight: 308.0lbs

This weeks LOSS -4.0 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 57.0 lbs

It's not exactly what I had hoped for - but is it ever?? And, considering I had a one-person pity party all weekend cause I couldn't workout AND topped it off with pizza Sunday night, I guess it's not as bad as it could be.

I'm back on track and moving forward in the right direction again. I went to 2 bootcamps yesterday and asked the trainer to provide alternate moves for me during the moves my knee wouldn't appreciate and it actually went really well.

I'm still physically broken, but mentally I am in a good place again and I not worried about failing because I am not going to allow myself to fail.

And, in case you didn't notice.....I am 8.1 pounds away from kissing the 300's goodbye. FOREVER.

It could happen....right?

2011-04-18T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting on my sofa right now with tears streaming down my face. I want to crawl under something and curl into a ball.

Today is day 3 of Operation Healing Knee and it's no better than it was 3 days ago. I still can't bend it to walk normally, I can't walk downstairs, I can barely walk upstairs. If I do want to force it to bend I either have to grab my pants leg and pull my leg up or concentrate big time and wait 30 seconds for it to very carefully bend on it's own.

My husband pointed out to me that this has been going on for at least 2 months. Of course I knew that, I've just chosen to keep that info filed far back in the dusty recesses of my mind.
There are days that it is somewhat better than others, but they are getting fewer and further between as time goes by.

Today I resigned myself to the fact that I need to see a doctor. I've known I needed to see a doctor for the past few months, but today I realize I no longer have a choice.

Herein lies the problem. I've been on this journey for 105 days. I've committed and done amazingly well. I've lost 53lbs and become a regular exerciser. I've been in 2 5k races, I've got at least 2 more scheduled this month. I've started the new Braunfels biggest loser competition and I have 9 boot camps a week to attend, I've got Chipper Trainer Chick to see, I 've got family walks to take.

I am terrified.

I am terrified of having to stop. I'm terrified of not being able to keep moving forward. I'm terrified of a set back becoming the straw that put my lazy ass back on the sofa eating chicken fried steaks and bacon (not together) (well, no yet anyway).

-----------------------------------Time Travel With Me--------------------------------------------------

I wrote that on Saturday. It is now Monday morning. I still feel like shit. My knee is still not back to good. It doesn't hurt quite as much, but considering the fact that I haven't worked out since Wednesday - that makes sense. I still can't bend it normally, hell this morning I wasn't sure I was going to be able to bend my knee enough to get in the shower. I have an appointment with my GP this afternoon - insurance requirements and all - so I've got the ball rolling on getting to the bottom of this. And I am scared.

I'm not scared of the doctor or shots or surgery or pain or any of that stuff - I've given birth to 2 big headed boys seriously what's to fear from the doctor?
I am afraid of losing this feeling. This need. This desire to get out there and get things done. Every afternoon I am rushing to make sure the boys are handled, dinner is handled, the hubby is happy and I can get out the door by 5:15. See, I have to get to the gym by 5:30 to be able to get 2 boot camps in every night - and that is something I want to do, something I need to do. My alarm is still set for 4:15 in the morning for my 3 mile walk - I can't bring myself to turn it off. I know I can't walk for 3 miles, but for me turning it off equates to quitting and I can't quit.

I doubt I will come away from this afternoon's doctor visit with any definite diagnosis, but I am delusional enough to still have a glimmer of hope that he will diagnose, repair, rehab and release me in plenty of time to make it to my 5:30 boot camp!

Hey, it could happen.

Right?

Hello?

Weigh In Wednesday...on Thursday

2011-04-14T08:45:00.000-05:00

I missed weigh-in Wednesday. Things are just too busy and too hectic right now! My normally crazy life has be flipped on its head with the NB Biggest Loser competition. This blog is not getting the love it should, my house is not getting the cleaning it should, and I am not getting a spare moment. UGH. I am really not complaining, I am blessed to have this much help in my journey, but God it gets tiring! I am hoping things will normalize soon and start running a little more smoothly.

And on to the BLAH that is my weigh-in....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 312.0lbs

Current Weight: 312.0lbs

This weeks LOSS -0 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 53 lbs

Yup. Nothing.

Not a pound. Not an ounce. Not a nothing.

I could've used the same picture I did last week - at least my pedicure would have been in better shape.

This week I am NOT okay with the scale. This week is not all "I feel good and that's what counts and I have strawberry coated rainbows flying out of my butt."

I AM NOT HAPPY.

From last Wednesday to this Wednesday I have seen the Chipper Trainer Chick 3 times. I have attended 10 bootcamps and 1 Zumba class. I have had a calorie deficit of over 15,000.

Based on math/science alone I should have lost 4 pounds.

TOM was here from Friday to Monday, but it's Thursday, surely anything we retained should be gone by now.

I AM PISSED.

My muscles are sore, my knee is in agony all the time and I am working my ass off.

This is not going to be a pleasant day.

I AM PISSED.

I have lost 53lbs since January 3rd.

And in the last 15 days I have lost 2.6.

I do not like this trend, I do not like it at all.

I am not sure what I can do to turn this around. I can't cut anymore calories. I am working out at least 2 hours a day and sometimes, like yesterday - 3 hours a day. I watch my sodium, I don't eat bread, I don't eat potatoes, I watch my carbs. I'm protein and veggies all the way. What the hell else can I do.

I AM PISSED.

Best Day in a Long Time

2011-04-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday was the CASA Festival of Voices 5k at the Rio Cibolo Ranch just outside of San Antonio. I signed up myself, the Hubs and the 9 year old and despite the trials and tribulations of the night before we laced up and headed out bright and early!
Although I walked in the Wilencheck Walk for Life 5k it was more of a small town casual affair - this was not the same animal, this is the real deal. There is an offical starting line, clock, tag mats, blah, blah, blah and it scared the crap out of me! But I am in it to win it so let's get this party started!
First things first - my little guy decides he is not going to participate unless he has a number...so mom sacrifices hers....

I'm not sure what part of having a race number makes a person immediately bust out "Blue Steel" but Ben Stiller's movie baby ain't got nothing on this kid.
As soon as the pose-a-thon is over we line up and get ready to go! The Hubs and 9 year old start running and I load up little man in the jogger and get my walk on! And what a walk it was! This place is b-e-a-utiful! We are at the Rio Cibolo Ranch, walking along the Cibolo creek, next to 300 year old pecan trees, bison and giant longhorns. I can't count the number of times I wanted to stop and take pictures - but I didn't - I kept on keeping on with my 3 fastest miles since I started this journey.
About 20 feet from the end I let my little guy out so he could run across the finish line to his dad and big brother - it was a really great moment and he was super stoked! I followed right behind him and joined my family and it.felt.awesome. The Hubs and Big Brother both ran the entire 5k - I had never seen my husband so proud of something as he was about running the whole thing.
Now it was time for the medals and although I knew I wasn't getting anything I was excited to cheer on all the people who did! The age group range was amazing! Mr. Lopez - the cutest man ever - was 84 and walked off the stage with a medal - tears. Tears!
But those weren't the only tears...oh no, not by a long shot. See, when they made the announcement for the 10 and under age group the bronze went to none other than my oldest son!!!

My little sweaty winner!! So proud! SO.PROUD!
What a great day this was turning out to be! I am so glad I put aside my excuses and sucked it up and decided to kick ass!
After the race the festivities began! Hayrides and bounce castles and games and lunch and silent auctions and barge rides down the creek....

It was a fan-stinkin-tastic day for all of us and yet another reason I am so thankful for this journey.
If it weren't for this journey I would not have been out there, my handsome 9 year old wouldn't have walked away with a medal, my gorgeous husband would not have been swelling with pride in himself and my 3 year old would not have run across his first finish line and seen his mother wearing her first bib and feeling like a million dollars....

The little voice that is going to save my life.

2011-04-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

This is long overdue - a week overdue actually! Friday nights are kickball nights - last Friday was the first game of the season.

You need to first understand that Kickball is the glorious!! Seriously, elementary playground, giant red ball that makes the distinctive THWUNK sound when you kick the snot out of it - good times! This is my 3rd season playing and I was pretty sure it would be my best - I mean hell, I'm over 50 pounds lighter and I've been working out. We have a good team, we've got great players - I've got this.

Yeah Right.

First play of the game - I'm the second baseman - THWUNK, the ball is headed my way, quick step to the left and POP. POP. It's my knee. It hurts like the ever-living-pits-of-hell. Great.

First time at bat - I'm pretty far down in the kicking order - I'm not totally delusional. First pitch is good and I kick the snot out of it and start running to first. Okay, so maybe not running. Okay, so maybe not even close to running.

WHY AM I NOT RUNNING??? WHY THE HELL CAN'T I RUN??

I wanted to run. I wanted to run all the way to first and maybe round it over to second. I guess I thought because I wanted to, I would be able to - yeah, life doesn't work that way.

I wanted to win. I don't want to be a loser. I am too competitive to fail.

Our team won the game, but I lost.

The worst part of the whole situation was just how far I let it bring me down. Seriously, I was defeated. I didn't even try when I was up to kick, it was no secret that I didn't want to be there and I wasn't expecting anything out of myself.

If I had been at home I would've found some bread and cheese and God help me some bacon and shoved it all down my throat as quickly as possible. (Thank God I wasn't at home).

Whats worse is that I was registered for a 5k the following morning and I was already making excuses not to go. I was already setting myself up for another failure. For all the steps I've taken forward this year, I was rolling backwards at a lightning pace.

I went to bed disappointed. Disappointed in myself, in my body, in my journey.

I woke up just as disappointed.

In fact, I woke up making even more excuses. Working even harder to talk myself of the planned 5k - and let me tell you, I am pretty persuasive.

But let me tell you something else - I didn't give in. I didn't listen to the negative voices in my head. I listened to the little one, far in the back, pushed way down by the I can'ts and the why's. I heard it whisper reminders of where I was and how I had gotten there, how hard I had worked, how many positive changes I have made this year. The whisper got louder and I heard it recount every rep I've completed, every mile I've logged. The whisper turned to a shout and it screamed at me - How bad do you want this? How many years do you want of this life? How many things do you have left to do in this life?

That little voice pushed and pushed and pushed and I am forever grateful.

Because of that little voice I woke up the rest of my little family, got everybody ready and headed out for what turned out to be one of our best days together - ever.

More to come....

Guest Bloggin - I feel kinda important...

2011-03-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

I'm a guest blogger! It's official! Is it weird that I'm this excited about it? Is it weird that I just asked if something I did is weird? In the words of my 9 year old - Duh Mom.

So, without further ado (unless you want to make some more ado - I'm all about ado) - please check out my guest post over at FitBlogger!

And while you're there check out all the other great bloggers and post - there is a wealth of information and inspiration so go use it!!

WOO HOO WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY....(was that too much?)

2011-03-30T08:35:00.000-05:00

So it's weigh-in Wednesday and although I would like to lead with a diatribe of how great the last week has been (it has) and how well I've been doing (very well) and how awesome I feel (totally awesome) - I just can't waste any damn time!!! I have to get to the goods and I have to get there RIGHT NOW!!!

Hi, my name is FattyBoobLatty...and I am BACK ON TRACK!!!

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 325.0lbs

Current Weight: 314.6lbs

This weeks LOSS -10.4 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 50.4 lbs

Wow. I saw my weight loss slowing down, I realized I was lacking somewhere so I reevaluated, I re-focused, and I recommitted - and it worked. God it feels good.

I didn't think I could...

2011-03-29T19:32:00.001-05:00

Today was my first visit of the week with Chipper Trainer Chick and she did not disappoint. I sweated buckets.

Buckets.

But, this post isn't about recapping all the pain she put me through, it's only about part of the pain she put me through!

Midway through our hour together she told me to grab a mat and get down on the floor. I hate getting down on the floor. As a fat girl you would think I loved any opportunity to get off my feet - and you would be somewhat correct. I do love sitting on my ass (part of my problem, duh) but...BUT... only if my ass is at least a few feet off the ground. My ass being on the floor is not comfortable for 2 reasons - getting up and getting down. They both hurt and I look like an ass either way. But I digress.

She handed me a 10lb medicine ball and had me lean slightly back and start side-to-sides - not my favorite move, but doable.

Then she told me to lay flat on my back, legs straight out with my arms stretched out over my head while holding the medicine ball - are you still following? I don't explain things well - don't judge. She said she was going to have me come all the way up with the medicine ball and I immediately looked at her like she had a lighter in one hand and a smoldering crackpipe in the other.

Inner dialogue - "This crazy bitch. What is she thinking - there is no way I can lift my fat torso much less this damn ball up - thanks a lot for making me embarass myself. 'ppreciate ya."

Apparently she has some 6th sense and was able to read my inner communication - or she saw the look of sadness and disgust on my face - either way she knew what was going on in my head.

She said, "Do what you can, just try it and we'll see what happens."

Crap. She's not going to let me out of this. I'm going to have to try and fail and get all pissed off and lose the high I've been running on this week. This is what I pay you for???

Defeated, backed into a corner I lifted that damn ball and then I lifted my damn torso and then I went all the way up.

WHAT?

And then I did it again. And again. Then she stopped me.

What are doing lady? I'm on a roll, I've got this.

"Now, when you get up I want you to do a side-to-side and then go back down. Give me 20."

Oh how I hate you....

But you know what? I did it. In fact I did it 20 times. IN FACT - when the next round came I did it 20 more times.

And you know what kept me going? You know why my 2nd set was so much better and faster than my first?

"10 minutes ago you didn't even think you could do one."

I repeated that over and over in my head and each time it made me stronger. And each time it made me better.

If you ever feel like you can't do one more rep, walk one more mile, one more block, run another minute on that treadmill just take your mind back to a day ago, a week ago, a year ago when you didn't think you could.

Happy Birthday to Me....

2011-03-29T11:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I have been on this earth for 36 years.

I don't remember every birthday I've ever had - I remember a few of the childhood ones, I have pictures that serve as reminders of the ones I have forgotten.

I remember my 16th birthday - dinner at Magic Time Machine with my family followed by the Limo treatment with my girlfriends around downtown Austin.

I remember my 18th birthday - I came home from work and all my friends were waiting in the living room, a few minutes later the limo pulled up and we were off for an evening ride....I have to assume my mother got some sort of package deal on limo rides - there seems to be a theme with major events in my life, but I digress.

I remember the first 10 to 15 minutes of my 21st birthday - I'm pretty sure I had a good time.

I don't remember too many birthday's between then and now, but I will remember this one.

I will remember that on my 36th birthday I was 46.8 pounds lighter than I was 85 days ago.

I will remember that I wore a size 22 jean to work today instead of the size 28 I wore on my last birthday.

I will remember that I went shopping today and bought new T-shirts in sizes 18/20 and 22/24 instead of my normal 30/32.

I will remember that I walked 4.38 miles in 83 minutes.

The thing I will remember most is that this birthday will be my last at over 300lbs.

I am thankful everyday for the all the blessings in my life and this year I am especially thankful for the changes I have made and the successes I am having.

I am even more thankful for the support I am receiving from my family and my friends and tweeps and blends. One of the most important things I have learned through this journey is that while watching what you eat and getting your body moving are the keys to losing weight - the support of the people around you and the people who have walked this road before is the key to keeping your sanity.

Thank you to all who have taken time out of their lives to help me, lift me up, to support me, to inspire me - you are more important than you could ever know.

Suck It Up and Do It Sunday.....on Monday

2011-03-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

Time for another - albeit late - episode of Suck It Up and Do It Sunday!

Just for a little refresher - the purpose of Suck It Up and Do It Sunday is to give myself smaller, achievable weekly goals that help me towards my larger goals and also give me some much needed successes as I go along.

Here are my goals from the previous week as well as a recap on how I did:

#1 - To get up an hour early every morning, except Sunday, and get in 3 miles of walking.

I did not get up every morning and walk. Right after I set these goals I rethought the every morning aspect of this since I visit my personal trainer twice a week. I decided I would not walk on the Tuesday's and Thursday's I visit her. That said, I only got up and walked on Monday - gonna set this goal (modified) for myself again and see how it goes.

#2 - To walk with the family at least 4 nights this week.

I did this - but barely! I will continue this goal next week because I really enjoy walking with the family.

#3 - To blog at least once a day.

So close....I blogged everyday Monday through Friday, which, while I didn't 100% make my goal, I did improve and I will continue this goal going forward.

#4 - To treat Saturday and Sunday just like any other day and prep my food in the morning and if it isn't in my bag - I don't get to eat it!

Oh I did this! I totally did this!! It's so funny that I am SO excited about doing this! Weekend eating had been a big issue for me - HUGE! Before this weekend it had been over a month since I had stayed within calories on both weekend days. Some slightly over and managed with exercise and some hugely, ridiculously over - very reminiscent of my binging days.

#5 - To complete my 7 Day Chip and stay on track to get my first 30 Day Chip

Although I did technically achieve my 7 Day Chip, I did not celebrate it - not to lessen it's importance at all - instead I moved forward with the 100 Day Chip. I have a whole separate set of goals for that so I will address them separately.

So, looks like I was 3 for 5 - not great, but I have no complaints. I have learned quite a bit and am eager to do better.

#1 - To get up for an early morning walk at least 3 times this week.

#2 - To walk with the family at least 4 times this week.

#3 - To blog at least once a day.

#4 - To pack all my food for Saturday and Sunday and stick to plan

#5 - To stay focused on my 100 Day Chip Quest

#6 - To set up household schedule and get the running of the house/kids/hubby/meals streamlined before Biggest Loser competition starts.

#7 - To keep my water consumption over 120 ounces a day.

Those are a lot of goals, but I can do it and I feel really good about setting them.

So there you have it - Suck It Up and Do It Sunday, in all it's glory. I hear there's safety in numbers, so please join me and Colleen over at Goodbye, Fat Girl - we are going to kick some goals in the dirt!!!

I Loves Me Some Support!

2011-03-25T11:12:00.001-05:00

A funny thing happened at the gym yesterday....actually a potentially amazing thing happened at the gym yesterday!

A little back-story/explanation before we get to the good news.

Twice a week I work out with Chipper Trainer Chick for an hour. An hour of throwing medicine balls 15' in the air against the wall and trying not to break my nose when I catch 'em. An hour of kicking and punching and circuits and donkey kicks and picking things up and putting things down. When I train with her we have the gym to ourselves - there is no one else there, I dig the hell out of that. A few times when I've been there the owner of the center has been there too - he's a super nice guy (and kinda hot). He's like the holy grail of all trainers, and he makes me nervous as hell so I have never even thought about having a session with him - plus I'm a freak show and I would think I would hurt Chipper Trainer Chick's feelings, but that's a whole different post.

Okay, so that brings us to yesterday....Chipper Trainer Chick and I were talking about the Biggest Loser competition kick off and what classes I am going to take part in and whatnot when the Holy Grail overhears and comes out of his office. He's curious so we explain to him what we are talking about and I swear to you I could SEE the light bulbs popping up over his head.

"We need to get you a full fitness work-up"

"We need to get you working at peak levels"

"We need to get some appointments scheduled"

"What size shirt are you wearing? We need to get you some shirts"

I swear, all that in a matter of 10 seconds. His wheels were turning, he was seeing advertising opportunity and all the sudden I had corporate sponsorship.

Well, not really, but it felt like it.

See, apparently Chipper Trainer Chick has been bragging on me and he knows that I have been working my ass off this year and he is pretty impressed with how far I have come and the fact that I am continuing to work my ass off. (just a note - big, BIG, GIANT swollen head when I found out she was braggin' on me)

Now, I don't know exactly how this is going to turn out - a little hard to talk details when you can barely breathe and there's sweat pouring off your head like you're in the shower. I will say that it sounded like this could turn out really well for me - seriously, who's gonna turn down free extra training and extra attention and hell, extra T-shirts?? Have I mentioned that I LOVE T-shirts.

So, it looks like I might be CFC's bitch for the next 6 months and I am A-Okay with that!

It's Wednesday Somewhere Right??

2011-03-24T09:58:00.000-05:00

I realize it's Thursday here, but it's got to be Wednesday somewhere - right?

Okay, maybe not, but I got busy and missed weigh-in Wednesday yesterday and I am trying to make myself feel better about my screw up - just go along with it ok?

So, without further ado....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 326.4lbs

Current Weight: 325.0lbs

This weeks LOSS -1.4 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 40.0 lbs

I lost 1.4 pounds, which totally makes me happy cause a loss is a loss, but it also confuses the crap out of me! It should be more, seriously, it should be more - that's just science.

I have had good deficits every day, my exercise is on point and I just feel like I should've lost more. I'm spending this week really concentrating and focusing on what I am doing, I've set some goals for myself and I am watching what I eat even closer than normal. I have to be missing something, there has to be a weak point somewhere and I need to find it.

I'm not disappointed, I'm just fired up to find out where I'm screwing up so I can fix it.

I expect next Wednesday to be much better...fingers crossed.

And so it begins...

2011-03-23T13:09:00.001-05:00

I'm late to the game - story of my life.
I've had one of those weeks where everything is coming at you all at once and there aren't enough hours in the day and as a result my Twitter visits have been sporadic at best.

**Does the word Sporadic take anyone else back to that scene in Clueless?**

That said, it wasn't until this morning that I was introduced to the #100DayChipQuest and I was intrigued to say the least.

If you are not familiar with the #7DayChip and #30DayChip I highly recommend visiting Brad Gansberg's site - it really is something wonderful. I have earned a few 7 Day Chips and I am very proud of them, however it is time for something bigger. It is time for a bigger commitment to making myself better and supporting the people who support me.

It is time for me to have a nice, shiny 100 Day Chip and my quest for one starts today!

So here are my rules (everyone's are different - so you do you and make it work):

1 - I will drink at least 160 ounces of water per day (and I know you are wondering - Yes, I spend A LOT of time in the potty)

2 - I will get in at LEAST 1 hour of good, hard workout 6 days a week.

3 - I will have at least 1 additional PLANNED workout/race/hike/etc. every weekend.

4 - I will have daily devotional....on a DAILY basis. Every. Day.

Unfortunately this post is a bit of a hit and run - this is what happens when you're late to the game - however, that doesn't make it any less meaningful or any less important. I am starting this quest today with a group of amazing people and I just hope I can help them all come through it on top.

So who else is in???

You gotta do the work

2011-03-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today is Tuesday - Chipper Trainer Chick Tuesday. This morning I packed my clothes, turned over the whole house searching for my HRM strap, packed extra protein in my bag and headed off to work.

And it was all downhill from there.

From 8:00 to 1:30 my wheels were turning, my excuse factory was churning and I was not going to go. I was going give her my best excuse and be done with it.

Who cares? I'm gonna get my 3 miles in tonight.

Who cares? I didn't do my 3 miles this morning, cause I knew I would be working out this afternoon, but what difference will it really make?

Who cares? I haven't missed an appointment with her yet, surely I'm due!

Then, at about 1:31 I remembered who cares. I remembered who I was doing this for. I remembered who I owed this to.

Me. This is for me and if I want to succeed, if I want to make this happen...I Gotta Do the Work.

I care. So I got off my ass and I did the work. In fact, I worked hard - real, damn hard. I sweated more than I have in a long time and it felt good. And I felt good.

It's amazing how easy it is to forget sometimes. To forget how good it feels to move, to eat right, to succeed.

What do you do on those days you want to spend more time coming up with excuses than moving your ass??

And for our studio audience...

2011-03-21T22:26:00.000-05:00

I mentioned my terrifying commitment last month, but today was actually the day.....Biggest Loser New Braunfels weigh-in and measurements! Since I pre-registered I was in the first wave of check-ins and as a result have a 2 week head start on the folks that hemmed and hawed and waited till the last minute to sign up - who got the worm this time boys and girls??

I will admit, I was nervous as hell - I'm not sure why, but I was. Maybe it was showing yet another real-deal tangible person (& stranger) my weight and measurements or maybe it was standing in line sizing up the room and realizing - once again - you are the biggest girl in the room. OR, maybe it was the "officialness" of it all - it's the real deal now, no turning back , in it to win it!

In 2 weeks the boot camps and kickboxing and walk/runs and nutrition classes start. In 2 weeks the regular weigh-ins and measuring and mini competitions get underway.

I've been on this journey for almost 3 months now, but it's been my journey alone. It's been only me at the weigh-ins, only me watching the numbers go down and sharing them with you all. Not anymore, I've gone public now. I've come out of the fat girl closet.

I have 2 options - success or failure, but either way, I've got an audience.

I am feeling damn good right now and my confidence is high - I believe I can do this and do it well. I believe I will work harder and put in more hours and take better care of myself than any one else competing.

Let me adjust my earlier statement:

I have only 1 option - Success, so pull up a chair and get comfortable - this is going to be one hell of a show!

Suck it Up and Do It Sunday

2011-03-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

I've devoted a lot of time lately to thinking about my goals. I know that in the long run, when this is all said and done I plan on being 175lbs, that said, it's gonna be a while. So, what to do in the mean time? I need some short term goals that will help me get to my long term goal in a timely and sane fashion.

Soooooo, without further ado, Suck It Up and Do It Sunday is born.

My plan is to re-cap the previous week, focusing on how I've done with my weekly goals, how I can improve moving forward and how the week before helped get me closer to my main goal.

This is my first Suck It Up and Do It Sunday, so I can't tell you have I've done with my short term goals, but I can look at how my previous week has gotten me closer to my final goal.

This week I have really started taking ownership of my diet failures. I know that I still am not strong enough to be alone and bored with food available. I realized this weekend, that all my success has come from structure and one of the biggest things standing between me and my long term goal is days that lack structure - most noteably weekends.

This week I have also stepped up and voiced my need for focus to people who were knocking me off track with things I don't need to be worrying about right now. I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to be able to devote as much attention as possible to my health and my weight-loss right now, and because of that I am going to have to turn people and projects down on occasion.

This week has been very enlightening and I am thankful for that as it has really helped drill down and zero in on the things I need to address on a weekly basis.

So, here goes - Suck It Up and Do It Sunday's inaugural weekly goal list:

#1 - To get up an hour early every morning, except Sunday, and get in 3 miles of walking.

#2 - To walk with the family at least 4 nights this week.

#3 - To blog at least once a day.

#4 - To treat Saturday and Sunday just like any other day and prep my food in the morning and if it isn't in my bag - I don't get to eat it!

#5 - To complete my 7 Day Chip and stay on track to get my first 30 Day Chip

These are all pretty basic and all things I always "plan" on doing anyway, but I am spelling them out here for some accountability and a kind of reminder, or nudge to keep be on track.

Anyone else out there want to join me for Suck It Up and Do It Sunday? I hear there's strength in numbers...and some safety too.

Have a great week everyone!!

Trying Something New

2011-03-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've got goals, I've got a master plan, things I'm working towards, things I want for myself and my family.
I've got this whole thing all laid out, nice and clear in my head - but I don't think that is the best way handle this.
I think I'm gonna have to try something new - I think I'm gonna have to put it all out there. And by "there", I mean here and by "it" I mean EVERYTHING.
I haven't yet decided if this is an accountability thing or a shame myself in to succeeding because everyone will laugh at you if you don't thing, or if this is just because I really need a black and white reminder of what I am working towards.
Whatever the reason, I need a goal list. I need a plan. I think a lot of this stems from my need for tangibility (I didn't even know that was a word, but it is and I like it).
Now to put goals, my desires, my aspirations down in black and white...not as easy as it sounds.desires
So, let's knock out the long term goals first - they are much easier to put my finger on.

PHYSICAL - I'd like to weigh 170lbs when this is all said and done. I'm a big girl, even when I'm not carrying about a crap load of over inflated fat cells.

Forgive the double exposure of a long since forgotten friend - I am the one carrying a random bag of cotton balls down the stairs, let's focus on me. I was around 150lbs and a size 12 in this picture, taken long before my hips were permanently widened by the birth of 2 sons who will never truly understand the pain involved in bringing them in to this world. I do not aspire to be this size again, as I don't feel like it is truly attainable, but I feel like I can get to 170.

EMOTIONAL - I want to feel confident in myself, I want to feel confident in my ability to control myself, I want to feel like there is nothing in this world I can't do. I don't want to feel out of control when I am home, alone, with a fully stocked kitchen. I don't want to ever wonder if someone has preconceived notions about me based on my appearance alone. I am working on these and getting better every single day, but I still have a lot of work to do.

SPORTATIONAL - (whatever, don't judge) - I want to be a part of a team or a group or something similar. I'd like to say I want to complete a marathon as a long term goal, but I don't know that my knees will ever be back to a place where I could do something like that and I don't want to set myself up for failure just yet! So instead, my goal is to be a part of some sort of organized, sporty type thing - I don't think our Friday night Kickball, Beer and BBQ league is gonna make the cut on this one.

So that's a start. Those are the first of what I am sure will be many, long term goals I have for myself.

I think I will start working on my short term goals, even better, I think I need a day, one day every week that I lay 'em all out there and account for the week before.

How about Suck It Up and Do It Sunday? You don't like it? That's okay, it's my damn blog and not yours!! See ya Sunday! :-)

Back in the Saddle......Wednesday Weigh-In

2011-03-16T13:26:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, it is that time again, it is Weigh-In Wednesday....WooHoo.

Yeah, sorry about that, I'm grasping today, I don't have a theme, I don't have a topic I would like to touch on.

I don't have an excuse or a reason or an observation or even a breakthrough moment to share.

Today is Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday, just like any other day.

Today I woke the hubby up, twice - he's a slow starter. I took my shower, I made my smoothie, I dressed, I blow dryed, I did all the things I do every single day, nothing new, nothing special.

I made my snacks and my lunch, I took my vitamins, I gathered up the trash (it's trash day, just like every other Wednesday). Nothing exciting, nothing out of the ordinary.

I gathered my bags, I put the dog up and I stepped outside. Just like I do every morning.

And then I took a deep breath - and everything changed.

I took another deep breath and another and another....I drove to my office with the sunroof open and the windows down and I sucked in every bit of fresh air I could.

For some reason I feel like I can't get enough air in my lungs, not in a bad way, in a good way. I want to breathe every particle of this day in, I want to feel it all, I want it all.

I feel alive and electric and full right now and it is something powerful.

I don't know what makes today any different than any other day, but I hope to have many more like it in the future.

Now, on to the main attraction...Weigh-In time....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 330.0lbs

Current Weight: 326.4lbs

This weeks LOSS -3.6 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 38.6 lbs

3.6lbs down since last week - I will take it! I'm glad to see the scale moving like it should be again, I am even more glad to learn, week after week, that I know what I have to do to make it move and that I am the only person who can make it move. This isn't rocket science, but it's not easy either.

FitBloggin

2011-03-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

I'm going to FitBloggin! I'm going to FitBloggin! I'm going to FitBloggin!

Okay, now that we've covered that, let's get down to the part where I cry like a little girl cause I am stressed out and scared and don't know why I am going or what I am going to do once I get there! What if nobody likes me, what if no body talks to me, what if I throw up?

Okay, now that I've got that out, let us get down to the nuts and bolts of this.

I am just a tad bit nervous about the glorious get together that is FitBloggin. I am nervous on many levels, but I'll stick to just a few so this post doesn't disintegrate into a poor pitiful scared little me diatribe.

#1 - Why am I even going? I got excited and as I have covered earlier in my journey, I am an instant gratification kind of gal. Let's break it down - FitBloggin.

Fit. Bloggin.

A.) Fit - I'm not fit. I'm a good 9 months from Fit, I am working on it, but I've got a lot of work to do.

B.) Bloggin - I do have a blog, and I do try to blog pretty regularly, but I don't think I get to call myself a Blogger just yet - I don't know the exact qualifications for being a blogger, but I'm pretty sure I don't meet them.

#2 - What am I going to eat? There are 2 times I have problems with food these days:

A.) Unprepared - If I don't have all 5 meals prepped and ready ahead of time it is super easy for the days calories to go all balls crazy out of whack

B.) Weekends - I am a mess on the weekends, there is a serious lack of structure and "supervision" that has me stuffing my face way too often.

Are you seeing the big picture problem here? There is no prep kitchen at FitBloggin AND it's over a dreaded weekend!

I even tossed around the idea of prepping 3 days worth of meals, loading them into a cooler and dropping it off at FedEx. (Please don't make fun of this one yet - I still haven't decided against it)

#3 - What if nobody likes me? I have always been popular, I have always been the funny girl and more often than not the life of the party. And despite that I always have a deep fear of not being liked, of suddenly not being funny anymore, of people looking at me like I have an armchair growing out of my nose. I crave acceptance and I need to be somebody and the thought of that not happening makes me cringe.

So there you have it - or there you have some of it. I have many more doubts and many more concerns, but that's just who I am. That said, there are some parts of this trip to FitBloggin that are making me happy in my heart.

#1 - I won't need a seatbelt extender on my flights. Seriously - this is a big deal, asking the flight attendant for the extender makes my heart drop right down in to my stomach every.single.time. I plan to be damn close to 299lbs by the time I step on that plane so the only time I plan on needing the attendant is when I ask for my complimentary water.

#2 - I get to put a voice to so many people who help me every day. It would be hard for me to express just how happy I am to finally be able to hear some of you. I read your tweets, blogs and emails the way I read books, assigning voices in my head, accents, whatever, it will be nice to see how close to right (or horribly wrong) I am.

#3 - JackSh*t - Need I say more???

Set Back - Come Back

2011-03-11T13:10:00.000-06:00

INJURED!! CrapCrapCrappyCrap.

That was my facebook status yesterday afternoon. Yesterday was Chipper Trainer Chick day.

Yesterday was my first day working out with Chipper Trainer Chick since I got my knee right and back to good.

I was ready to kick some major ass.

I did, I kicked my knee's ass.

While holding a giant kettlebell in each in hand I started stepping up and down the damn step boxes I hate so much, and then....

POP

SNAP

Shhhiiiiiitttttt!!!

The silence was deafening and the pain was excrutiating.

Injured. INJURED. INJURED!!!!

Once I could move enough to step off the box of death I got on the ground to do some stretching hoping that would make it better. Chipper Trainer Chick even pulled out the foam rollers - BTW Foam Rollers = Torture, sweet and glorious, but torture all the same.

We spent the rest of the hour working upper body and taking it easy on my knee, but by the time I walked out of the gym I was in some serious pain.

Physically I was in some serious pain, but physically I knew what to do to handle that pain. Physically there were steps I could take to lessen the pain, to shorten the duration, to help prevent the pain in the future.

Physically I was going to be okay. Yesterday my physical well being was not my biggest problem.

Yesterday, my emotional well being took the biggest hit.

See, as soon as I got out to my car and gingerly got my wounded knee inside my first thoughts were negative.

What happens if I can't exercise? What happens if I can't walk? How quickly am I going to gain my 36lbs back? How quickly can I get to McDonald's and I sure hope they don't screw up and leave the damn onions on my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

My first inclination after a potential setback was sabotage, eating the pain away, coating my disappointment with a fine layer of grease and cheese.

That is so very scary for me.

You should know I did not head over to the golden arches or make a run for the border, I picked up my boys and headed home just like any normal day.

Unfortunately because my knee was giving great consideration to exploding out of my leg I couldn't head to the kitchen and start making dinner for the family. Instead I stretched out on the sofa, put an ice pack on my knee and started catching up on old episodes of Heavy.

Oh yeah, and I started eating. I ate some sort of healthy cracker wafer things with some healthy Hummus. A healthy snack, had I not finished the whole package of crackers after the Hummus was all gone. And then I ate a package of trail mix - you know, one of those ones that appear to be single serve, but if you look closer they are actually 3.5 servings at 160 calories per serving. And then, I ate a package of my kid's lunch time Lemon Ohs - I don't even like Lemon Ohs.

I'm not proud. Duh. I hadn't intended to eat that many calories, but I did. So what does that mean?

I don't know.

I don't know what that means, but I think I have an idea.

I think it means I've still got a lot to work on. I think that it means I can't get too comfortable with all the great physical stuff I've got going because my emotional strength is not progressing as quickly my physical strength.

I think it means I am at a time in my journey where I need to shift my focus. Or maybe widen my focus. I need to make sure I am taking care of mental Me, apparently she needs a little more attention.

So that's my goal. That's my plan. That's my next big mountain to climb.

I'm not exactly sure how to do it yet, but I'll figure it out.

Oh (just because I'm a numbers junkie) I still managed to burn a few more calories than I ate yesterday, so although I am not proud of losing control of my eating, it's not the end of the world.

I Ain't Mad At Ya.....or Weigh-In Wednesday

2011-03-09T09:26:00.001-06:00

It's been a week since I posted - holy moly!!! Blogger FAIL!

I have been busy as hell and I have written like 4 posts in my head, but that doesn't do much good here does it?

Today is my weekly weigh in and normally I would be tragically disappointed and ready to quit this damn difficult journey - I am not, not at all.

So let's get past the nuts and bolts so we can get to the rainbows and sunshine...

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 330.2lbs

Current Weight: 330.0lbs

This weeks LOSS .2 lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 35 lbs

Normally I would be cussing about ONLY losing .2lbs, or asking myself why I am doing all this hard work - but not today.

And reasonably I know that today TOM is coming for a visit and that is why I don't see any movement, but I don't even care. Not one little bit. Not this day, not this week.

See, last Saturday I joined hundreds of people in my little downtown for the Wilenchek Walk for Life. I found the table set up for for F-J, picked up my swag bag and my T-shirt and waited for the start. And then (after an hour of freezing cold crazy wind) I walked a 5K.

I walked a 5K, in fact (forgive my small town for being a little off), I actually walked 3.65 miles. I walked it while pushing my youngest son (46lbs) and my friend's daughter (30lbs) in our jogging stroller. I walked it up cardio hill and against the wind. And I didn't quit. Hell, we passed people, we passed quite a few people and it felt good.

I know I didn't run a 5K, or a half or a marathon, but that's not where I am at right now. I will someday, I know this, but until then I will take great pride in doing a little more every day, in pushing a little harder every day. This Saturday I walked 3.65 miles, maybe next Saturday it'll be 4.65 - who knows, but I will keep doing it.

And you know what? I felt so good all day Saturday that I woke up at 6:00 on Sunday and did it again. And I felt so good Sunday that I woke up at 4:00 on Monday and did it all over again! I'll admit, I didn't wake up Tuesday at 4:00 to keep the streak alive, but that is only because I knew I had a date with Chipper Trainer Chick and I wanted to have all my energy in reserve for when she started kicking my ass! That said, Tuesday night - after having my ass handed to me at the gym - I walked over 3 miles again. And this morning? This morning I woke up at 4:00 and got my 3.25 miles in.

In the last 7 days I have had a 17,000 calorie deficit. I have burned 17,000 more calories than I took in - that's pretty awesome in my book.

I worked hard, I ate good and I don't need the scale to tell me how to feel.

I FEEL GOOD.

I FEEL STRONG.

I FEEL MOTIVATED.

I FEEL SUPPORTED.

I am walking on sunshine right now and I don't need the scale to tell me that.

TOM will be gone by next Wednesday and I'm sure it will show, but to be real honest - I don't much care.

I may have only lost .2 lbs, but this week I walked 23 miles, I let Chipper Trainer Chick kick my ass, I burned a butt load of calories and I used good, whole food to fuel my body - and that is really what this is all about.

It's Worth It (and thank you)

2011-03-02T13:21:00.000-06:00

Last weekend was tough. Super tough. Ridiculously tough.

I binged Friday afternoon, ate over 1000 calories for my afternoon snack AND STILL went out to eat dinner with my family.

At dinner I ate my previously normal meal at Chipotle, upwards of 1400 calories. (Calories don't count at Chipotle b/c all of their veggies are chopped humanely and their chickens are given daily massages)(wait, you don't tell yourself that to justify calories? I am such a freak)

I finished Friday easily at over 3000 calories for the day.

I also finished up Friday with a 2 mile walk with my husband. (binging and exercising - I am a walking contradiction)

I know I burned more calories than I ate, but I also know that I didn't do anything to help get me closer to my goal.

Saturday I started the day strong, but again the afternoon/evening kicked my ass. I binged for dinner, I binged after dinner. I ate so much I made myself sick - not a good way to drop calories.

Again, I know I burned more than I ate, but not much.

What a disappointment. Again. I disappointed myself again. It's what I do. It's what I always do.

Sunday I was back on track. I ate right, I stayed in my calorie range and I felt better.

Unfortunately the damage was done and the scale showed them. I realize I hadn't actually gained any weight, but the junk I put in my body was showing. The sodium, the crap - it was all there. Suddenly my weight was back up to 338. Three hundred, thirty-eight pounds.

That's hard to swallow.

I had already left that behind.

I was never going to see that weight again, and dammit all to hell - there it was.

And that's all it took. That's all it took for me to sink. For me to lose my footing and fall. And I fell hard.

I wanted to delete tweet deck, sell my Fitbloggin ticket and hide from all of the amazing people out there who are kicking major ass and win every battle and never falter and never fail and aren't going to end up old fat lazy hags like me.

But I didn't. Instead I started a post, about something entirely different. I tried to to gloss over and bullshit how I was feeling, and that lasted all of 2 or 3 paragraphs and then it all fell apart. And then I got honest. There is something about typing, about my fingers on the keyboard and my mind speaking every word inside my head that get me to a really honest and raw place. So, I put it out there and then I asked for help. As all alone as I felt, I asked for help. I didn't know where it would come from or if it would even come, but I asked, and that is a big deal for me.

And you know what happened? All of these amazing awesome people who have walked my walk or are walking my walk now spoke up. Related to me. Advised me. And most importantly, helped me.

You all lifted me up (and at over 300 pounds - that ain't easy) and I am forever grateful. I will find a way to thank each and every one of you - I promise you that.

And now, without further ado and with a renewed spirit and a kick ass attitude -

Welcome to Weigh-In Wednesday!!

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 336.4lbs

Current Weight: 330.2lbs

This weeks LOSS 6.2lbs

TOTAL LOSS FOR THE YEAR 34.8lbs

Oh dear lord keep me upright!

Thanks to the kind words from some awesome people I restarted my fire, I got back on track and I see the results.

I am in this for the long haul - I am in this for life and I am so glad to be on this journey with all of you.

I am scared.

2011-02-28T12:51:00.000-06:00

I recently started reading the blog of Tara over at A Life Changing Journey. Not daily, or whenever she posts, but from the beginning.

When something strikes a cord with me, I can't just pick up where ever we are at the moment and move forward happy and blissfully unaware of what got us to that point - I need history, I need background, I am an information junky.
That said, I went all the way back to day one and stared reading. I leave it open in my browser and during a lull or downtime or just cause I wanna - I click over a read a day or 2.
Now, this post isn't going to be about how awesome/amazing/powerful/honest/rockstarish Tara is - although I could go on for days, but that's for another time.
This post is inspired by her lists, her bullets, her reminders, her truths. Today I was reading a post from May 9, 2010 and Tara lists the things in her life that she knows to be true right now. And they are good. They are really good.
And then I realized something - I don't know my truths, I don't know how to celebrate my accomplishments, hell I don't even know how to list them.
That said, and with the inspiration of a kick ass woman, here are the things I know to be true,

    * I do not weigh 365 pounds
    * I am not sitting in front of the television every night until bedtime
    * I am moving more today than I have in 10 years
    * My muscles are getting stronger
    * I look forward to seeing my personal trainer
    * I am inspired by folks that have fought this war before me
    * I am finally realizing I have some mountains I need to climb in my head before I am truly healthy
    * I am refocusing
    * I am looking forward
    * I am a going to be a runner
    * I will do whatever it physically takes to never go back to where I came.
    * I am in a better place today because I am learning to love who I am and what I can offer this world.

I totally copied and pasted and then edited her list. I hope she doesn't sue me. I didn't intend to plagiarize, I just couldn't get started on my own. I just don't emotionally have it yet, I still don't think enough of myself to come up with these on my own, unaided.

And to be completely honest - I am not sure all of those are my truths. I know I want them to be my truths. I know each day would be easier if they were 100% my truths.

I need those to be my truths, but I can't seem to drill them in to my own head.
In fact, that is probably the most important part of this post - I can't do it alone. I'm not there yet.
I am an only child. I am independent, I always have been. There has never been anything I can't do and by God I don't need ANYONE to help me. There are a million and one reasons why I think that way, but rehashing now won't make me a better person. What will make me a better person is telling you that I can finally, after 36 years on this planet, admit that I need help. I need support. I need guidance. I need all of you out there who have walked this road ahead of me, who are walking it beside me and who will walk it behind me.
I feel like I am about 8 seconds from walking away. I am 8 seconds from celebrating my 30lb weight loss, declaring this a success and stopping my journey right here.
I have reached the point in my weight loss that I hit time and time again and I am so scared. I.AM.SCARED. I don't want to lose, I don't want to quit.

I don't have a right to ask anybody for anything, but I am asking anyway - what gets you over the wall? What keeps you pushing forward? How do you keep fighting for yourself when it's hard to believe you are even worth it?

I Was Hungry

2011-02-25T09:44:00.000-06:00

Before I started this journey I hadn't felt hunger in years. Years. I had eaten, I had felt like I needed to eat, but I hadn't truly felt hunger.

Yesterday I was hungry.

It was amazing.

Yesterday I ate my breakfast smoothie, lots of protein and vitamins and good stuff. I was full. At my normal morning snack time I ate my snack, carrots and hummus, not my normal 300 calorie snack, but it was still really good.

Then, an hour and a half later, something strange happened - I was hungry. My body recognized that I hadn't fueled it enough and it needed more to keep moving.

I can't express just how good that felt. Just how good it felt to be hungry. To NEED to eat, not just WANT to eat.

And I ate, I ate the fuel I needed to get me through to my next meal - and nothing more. I ate good, healthy food and it felt great.

Yesterday I was hungry and I am a better person for it.

My truth

2011-02-23T15:27:00.000-06:00

I know I lost 7.6lbs last week and I know that I am sitting at 28.6lbs lost this year and I should be happy, and I am, but I really wanted a loss. Yesterday morning I was sitting at 333.6lbs and I was really hoping I would kick ass this morning and when I didn't...well it made me want to do so many things.

It made me want to lie, to lie to anyone who might see this post.

It made me want to accidentally forget to post my Weigh-In-Wednesday until...say...Try-Again-Thursday....or maybe Finally-Down-Friday.

But, I didn't do either of those things, instead I am posting, I am posting my Wednesday Weigh-in, gain and all.

I am being honest. I am being honest with you, I am being honest with myself, I am being honest and it feels good.

I realized just now, as I was typing this, that so much of my weight is about not being honest, 15 years worth of lies. College town pizza in my dorm room alone when the roommate was back home for the weekend. Frying pans full of fried potatoes with tons of butter and cheese and bacon in my first apartment. How are you today? Where have you been - haven't seen you in a day or two? From the fast food employees who saw me every damn day. When no one was there to watch me eat 2 breakfast sandwiches or the double-meat, bacon cheese burger or 2 combo meals that I bought because if you have 2 drinks they certainly know you are taking the 2nd meal back to a co-worker or friend, because it would be ridiculous to think that you were going to eat all of it yourself. Shoveling food in my mouth in the kitchen, chewing as fast as I could before my husband or kids walked in the room. Lies and Deceptions.

I have an extra 160 pounds sitting on lies and while I don't know why I've done this to myself, I do know that if I'm not honest now....if I can't be honest in this journey I am on...I.Will.Fail.

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 335.8lbs

Current Weight: 336.4lbs

This weeks gain .6lbs

So here I am, .6lbs heavier than I was this time last week, and that's my truth.

Dear Lord....

2011-02-22T17:23:00.001-06:00

Today I registered for my first 5K, heck the hubby even signed up with me!

Now, I do have to admit something about this 5K, it's a walk. It's not a 5K run, it is the 2011 Wilenchik Walk for Life, all proceeds benefiting the UT Health Science Center Cancer Therapy and Research Center (CTRC) of San Antonio.

I wish it were a run. I wish I were capable of a run. I am sad that I am not capable of a run.

But, BUT, I am excited that I believe in my heart that some day I WILL be capable of a run. I am proud that I am finally taking this journey seriously enough and working it hard enough to KNOW that I will some day be capable of a run.

For now, however I will be excited about my upcoming 5K walk - and kind of scared. Seriously, Scared of a walk, scared of 3 miles. While that is a little sad to all you serious runners out there, I haven't even walked a mile in years. I do a quarter mile or a half mile as a warm up before workouts and sprinkle in a quarter mile here and there to level out or maintain my heart rate, but I haven't strung them together before. I haven't even strung them together for a full mile yet and now I have committed to 3, in a row, outside, with my husband and my dog.

Dear Lord,
Please don't let me die or take 3 hours or vomit or die.
Amen

Did you hear something?

2011-02-17T09:27:00.000-06:00

Did you hear that?

I think I heard something?

Sounded like something dropped?

Did you hear something drop?

I could almost swear I heard something drop....

Oh wait, I did hear something....I heard something drop....

Oh wait, that's right...I DROPPED ANOTHER PANTS SIZE!!!

WhatWhat!!

Sure, they're a little snug, but I am pretty sure breathing is overrated.

At the end of last year I ordered new jeans from Old Navy - size 24. I even rushed the shipping cause I REALLY needed new pants. They arrived and I put them on and....wait, rewind, I TRIED to put them on. They didn't fit. They were too small. No, scratch that, I was too big.

SO, I ordered another pair of jeans, size 26. Ugh, size 26, not excited about that order.

But that day I did something else too, I committed to making a change. I kept those size 24 jeans, ordered those size 26 jeans and order a pair of 22s and 20s. I decided that although I needed the 26's now, I wouldn't use them for very damn long!

And then I changed my life. I took control of my body and my food and me.

And you know what, I didn't use those size 26 jeans for very damn long at all! I moved on to my 24's and it felt GOOD!

And today, today?? Today I am wearing those size 22 jeans, but not for long. I am going to be moving in to those 20's pretty damn soon.

In fact, I think I'll order some 18's today.

Wednesday Weigh-In

2011-02-16T08:54:00.000-06:00

It's Wednesday here in Texas and that means it's time for my weekly weigh-in!! Now, don't let that fool you - I weigh in every morning - maybe that's not a good thing, but I do it and I'm not likely to stop. I like to see what immediate effect the day before had on me. If I had too much sodium I like to see what it's done to my body. I am getting to know my body all over again and weighing in everyday helps me in my re-learning process.
Alright, enough talking....time to hop on the scale.....

Starting Weight: 365lbs

Previous Weight: 343.4lbs

Current Weight: 335.8lbs

This weeks loss...... 7.6lbs

Please excuse me a second while I do the cabbage patch in my bathroom......

Yesterday I was weak. Yesterday I ate too much and had a bit of a binge. I was not proud.
But...BUT...unlike in the past I accounted for my failure. I adjusted the rest of my day. I burned extra calories. I made smart decisions and dealt with the situation. And today I see why I do it and why I have to continue to do it.

This year, this great, beautiful, gratifying year I have shed 29.2lbs and I will NEVER take them back.

Almost Running

2011-02-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

I weigh 342 pounds today, but I haven't always.

I haven't always been obese. In fact I spent the majority of my life at a healthy weight. I spent the majority of my life with the ability to do damn near anything I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it. I was an athlete, I played basketball, I ran track.

Problem is, there was a point in my life when I no longer wanted to do anything. Not anything that took any effort anyway. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I got busy being an adult and working and being on the road and not having enough hours in the day.

I got busy taking the easy way out when it came to my health and my body because it just so happens that the easy way is also the fast way - and with no spare minutes in the day, fast = good.

I got so busy and life got so fast that I didn't see what I had done to myself. And when I did finally see it, when I did finally look at myself - it was too late. It was too hard. I was too weak. No self control. Next week. Monday. January first. Excuses. Bargaining. I spent so many years not doing anything.

So.Many.Years.

Last summer we put together a kickball team. Hell yes, I said kickball!! Big giant red rubber ball that makes that distinctive Sh-Thunk sound when you kick it. Good old fashioned elementary school kickball - except with beer and BBQ. The wait for "opening day" was damn near unbearable - but it finally arrived.

Game 1 - "We Got the Runs" (our team) vs. "Straight Ballers" (the other guys)

Oh lord it was fun! I played 2nd base - I caught 2 fly balls - I was kind of a rock star.

Finally I was at bat (or would it be kick? Not important) - I kicked the snot out of that ball, it was easily a 2 base kick! And I started running! Well, Sort of.
See I told my legs to run and I told my arms to pump and I told my core to move, but it didn't happen.
I didn't run. I.Didn't.Run.
I kind of speed walked, except slower. I'm pretty sure I heard parts of me hitting other parts of me. But I am sure I didn't run.

There it was. Years of being in such a hurry and "racing" around with work and life and fast food and now I couldn't run.
I am a human being with full use of my arms and legs and body and I had let myself get in such a state of disrepair that I could no longer run. There are people out there living their lives in wheel chairs, on walkers, using canes, that would give everything they have, will ever have to run and I gave it up. I surrendered my ability to run - for food, for laziness, for some more time a work.

I wasn't just fat anymore, I was a piece of ungrateful shit.

I don't know that I have ever felt that low before.

I will not be ungrateful again. I will not take for granted what I was given. I will not waste another minute of my life NOT being able to do something.

Yesterday I went to see the Chipper Trainer Chick and as usual she kicked my ass. About mid-way through the session she asked me to run the length of the center and back three times. I didn't want to - I can't run, I look like a moron and it's going to make me tired as hell. But, I can't say no to her, so I didn't. I started "running" and no it wasn't some miracle moment when my leg braces fell off and I escaped the truck full of mean boys in Greenbow, Alabama, but it felt different. I felt different.
Underneath it all I felt like I could run, like I was right there, I could almost touch it. I felt like if I trusted my knees more, if I had a little more time, dropped a little more weight, I would be running. I felt it in my legs and my arms and my gut, I knew at that moment that I could run.
Not yet, not tomorrow, but I will be running again and I will work the rest of my life making sure I can always run.

I almost ran, and it felt good.

Wednesday Weigh-In

2011-02-09T08:26:00.000-06:00

It's that time again boys and girls! Time to see how this week treated me...or more importantly how I treated this week.

Previous Weight - 344.6

Current Weight - 343.2

Down 1.2 pounds since last week.

It's not what I wanted, but it's down so I'll take it. Hell, I'll celebrate it - it didn't go up and I haven't given up and that means the world to me. And I am constantly pulling up my pants - which I would normally hate, but I'm okay with it right now.

Plus TOM dropped in for a visit overnight so I am pretty sure he's holding a little weight back for me...thanks TOM - you're a gem.

On a different note...and for the ladies only....if you haven't ever seen the Diva Cup, please click and visit their site. If you've seen the Diva Cup but were too freaked out to give it a shot, click the link and reconsider. I am not a tree hugger, I don't believe in global warning, I am most certainly not trying to save the world one reusable cloth menstrual pad at a time (I warned you boys) but I am someone who LOVES the fact that I only have to deal with TOM's effects twice a day - once in the morning and once in the evening. I never have to make a mad dash to the store for supplies. It is comfortable, it is easy and I haven't had a cramp in 6 years.

Wow - way off topic - I apologize. But seriously, do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. (did you picture Ben Stiller with gray chops and a polyester suit?)

Happy Hump Day!

The Bird Seed Diet!!

2011-02-08T12:31:00.001-06:00

So, I went to HEB Central Market. Alone. This is never a good idea. This should never be allowed. I bought so much stuff I've never even seen before. Stuff I not 100% sure I can pronounce, much less cook.

I'll post later about all the great stuff I picked up, but for now we will focus on the bird seed.

Millet, the other yellow grain.

Millet, used normally to feed the cockatiel. The cockatiel loves millet - loves it! And now I am going to cook and eat it myself. Intentionally.

So here goes nothing!

Millet and Veggie Stir-Fry

Ingredients:

After Prep:

Saute diced shallot in 2 teaspoons of olive oil until soft, but not browned:

Add millet and saute for about 3 minutes:

Add water, salt and bring to a boil.
Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes:

While the millet is cooking, toast the almonds under the broiler:

**IMPORTANT** When 3 year old enters kitchen to distract you - DO NOT BE DISTRACTED!

Now, toast pecans under broiler and set aside:

Saute leeks and zucchini on medium-high heat using remaining oil:

After 3 to 4 minutes add mushroom:

Cook for an additional 3 minutes and then add millet, pepper and cinnamon:

Remove from heat, add almonds (or pecans, depending on how many annoying children you have) and Enjoy!!

Millet Veggie Stir-Fry

Full recipe:
Ingredients

    * 4 tsp Olive Oil
    * 1/4 cup Shallots
    * 1/4 cup Millet
    * 2/3 cup Water
    * 1 tsp Kosher Salt
    * 28 g Chopped Pecans
    * 1 Leek
    * 1 cup Zucchini
    * 1 cup Portobello Mushrooms, Raw
    * 1 tsp Pepper, Black
    * 1 tsp Cinnamon

Directions

Prep all veggies:
Finely dice shallot
Chop Zucchini
Thinly slice leek
Chop mushrooms

Saute shallot in a sauce pan with 2 teaspoons of olive oil until soft, not browned (approx. 4 minutes)
Add millet and saute an additional 3 minutes
Add salt and water and bring to a boil
Lower heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.

While millet is cooking, toast pecans under broiler and set aside

In frying pan saute zucchini and leeks in remaining olive oil on high heat for 3 to 4 minutes
Add mushroom and cook for an additional 2 to 3 minutes

After water is absorbed add millet to veggies and stir in pepper and cinnamon

Remove from heat, add pecans and Enjoy!

Makes 4 servings.

Amount per Serving

Calories 140

Calories from Fat 68.1

Total Fat 7.57g
Saturated Fat 0.97g
Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 291.82mg
Total Carbohydrate 17.96g
Dietary Fiber 3.82g
Sugars 2.37g
Protein 3.62g

Holy Committment Batman!

2011-02-03T10:01:00.000-06:00

Back story...

Last year I heard about a local Biggest Loser challenge. 6 months, free gym, free bootcamps, free zumba, free kickboxing and free nutrition classes. PLUS, the chance to win a $15,000 gift card (NICE). I was once again fed up with my fat ass and ready to shed it so this was perfect! I heard it was starting in January of 2011 and I was ready to jump all over it! I was going to kick some ass and take some names!!

BUT - there's always a BUT - I soon discovered that the registration was in early 2011, but the competition wouldn't start until April. April?? APRIL??? You want me to wait until April?

I'm pumped now! I'm excited and motivated and ready now. NOW Dammit!! (Instant gratification is a theme in my life, hence the size of my thighs)

So I said SCREW YOU BIGGEST LOSER CHALLENGE! I don't need you to fight this battle and win!! I don't need your free classes and your free gym and your blah, blah, blah. I am going to do this on my own and leave your April 1st ass in the dirt!

And I have been doing it. And I am succeeding. I feel like a damn rock star right now!

So, when they emailed me my registration form yesterday I thought - What the hell is this? Didn't you hear? I'm on the train already, I am doing this. You are too late, you really are the biggest loser!! (that was too much wasn't it?)

And then I thought about it some more....Hmmmm....free classes, free gym....it's not like I am going to be skinny minnie with nothing to lose by April 1st. It's not like I'm not going to need to work at this 2 months from now. Free classes, free gym...support, accountability...Hmmmm.

So I filled out my paperwork. I paid my entry fee. I committed to it. I committed to 6 months of weekly check-ins. I committed to earning at least 60 exercise credits at their gym. I committed to 2 nutrition classes per month. I committed to doing everything they require of me and more.

I committed.

I committed to someone other than myself.

It's official, I'm committed.

At first I thought I would come in at a disadvantage, having already lost the initial "quick" weight, but then I realized I would actually be ahead of the other registrants.

By April I will have gotten my lungs back fully, gotten my legs firmly under me, strengthened my back, steadied my core. I will be ready for boot camp and zumba and kickboxing. I will hang with the big dogs and I won't be too ashamed to participate.

I'm committed. I'm in it to win it. And I am SO thankful they don't make us wear sports bras and bicycle shorts to weigh in.

I Needed to See It

2011-02-02T09:03:00.000-06:00

I guess I'll jump on the Wednesday Weigh in bandwagon.
Partially because it sounds cool and partially because I weighed in this morning and was SUPER stoked!

I wish I had taken a picture, but I didn't plan ahead and I hadn't expected what I saw.

January 3, 2011 Starting Weight 365

February 2, 2011 Current Weight 344.6

Let me do the math for you.... 20.4 pounds gone!! Forever!!

I am so excited and this was just the boost I needed as my momentum was starting to slow down.
I needed to know that what I was doing was getting me to where I want to be.
I needed to see that all my food weighing and measuring and counting and tracking was important and necessary.
I needed to see that all the time spent on that damn elliptical, all that sweat spilled on the floor in the gym and all the cussing with my trainer was doing something to my body.

I know that everyone says "You have to know you can do it!" or "You have to believe in yourself!" - but to be honest, those are just words. I didn't get to 365lbs by eating my words. I got myself to 365lbs by eating things I could see, touch , taste - tangible things. I think that says something about me - I need tangible proof, I need something I can put my finger on - and that number on the scale this morning, it was tangible.

And if I wasn't so damn sore I would've bent over and kissed it right on it's little scale mouth.

PlanktoberFest - In January....

2011-01-25T09:33:00.000-06:00

Inspiration comes from so many different places, people, words, blogs, stinky college tees you can't throw away.

You never know when it will hit, or how hard, or what you will do with it - but I do believe it is always a good thing.

See, yesterday Josie over at Yum Yucky decided ~~she hated everyone on twitter~~ a challenge was in order - a challenge of epic proportions (at least in my eyes). She decided we had all spent too much time up right and with the full use of our arms, asses and abs - and so The Planktastic Plankathon Challenge was born!

Now - of course - there were some rock stars right off the bat - @juliie007, @leavingfatville and of course the infamous @YumYucky just kicked booty from the start. Then @DarnFood, @FoodieMcbody, @Charliegirl2490, and like 17,000 other people joined it - seriously, I counted.

It was amazing and inspiring - I was inspired. And scared.

Really Scared.

See, this time yesterday I was pretty damn sure I couldn't even lift my body into the plank position. I joked about my sure to be ridiculously short lived plank, knowing full well there wasn't going to be anything to time. Knowing full well I couldn't do it - before I even attempted it. A few times I caught my mind bargaining my way out of even trying, saving me from a failure I surely didn't need right now. I was making excuses before I had anything to excuse myself from. That seems to be a common thread in my life - but not anymore.

Yesterday I went home, changed clothes and hopped on the elliptical - I tried a new workout, something harder, more challenging - I felt like I could do it. I cooled down on the treadmill - I felt good. I made dinner for the myself and the family - it was healthy and tasty and we deserved it - I felt good. Then I went to the spare bedroom, shut the door and got down on the floor - it was plank time. It was plank attempt time. It was time to negate all that I had done that day. It was time to negate just how good I felt for what I was doing for myself and my family. It was time to fail and then hide out so no one would ask how my #plankathon was going.

I didn't get the video camera out - trust me no one wants to watch their failure again. I didn't even start my timer - lord knows there wouldn't be much counting going on.

And then I tried. And I was up. Wait...what??

I was up on my forearms, legs straight, back straight, abs screaming - I WAS UP.

Holy crapballs - somebody get me a timer!!!

I held my tired hurting body up for 40 seconds. I supported my 350lbs for 40 seconds in the forearm plank position. I.Did.It.

I haven't been that proud of myself in a long time.

It's so funny that something so random, something so many people can do so well and for so long can give me such pleasure.

8 hours before that moment I knew there was no way in hell I could do it, but there I was - doing it. I tried and I succeeded and I was better for it.

When I told my husband what I had done and how proud I was and how shocked I was that I was even able to do it he gave me the squinty quizzical look he does so well and said, "You can do anything Baby."

And you know what? He's right.

Thanks Josie - sometimes it the smallest things that make the biggest impact - and I needed this.

Tonight I will plank armed with a camera, and I will go longer than 40 seconds - because I can do anything Baby.

Friend Makin' Monday

2011-01-24T16:08:00.000-06:00

Saw this for the first time today thanks to Melissa over at Mel Gets Fit

You just answer each of the questions below with ONE word. Once finished, post a link to your answers on Kenz’s FMM post for the week.

Answer each question using only one word…

Where is your cell phone? Pocket
Your most significant other? Dynamite
Your hair?Unruly
Your mother?Imaginative
Your father?Selfish
Your favorite?Sons
Your dream last night?Lost
Your favorite drink?Tea
Your dream/goal? Health
What room you are in? Office
Your hobby? Grey's
Your fear?Suffocation
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
Where were you last night? Home
Something that you aren’t? Quiet
Muffins? Missed
Wish list item? Dumbells
Where you grew up? Texas
Last thing you did? Snack
What are you wearing? Cardigan
Your TV?Annoying
Your pets? CJ
Friends? Forever
Your life? Elevating
Your mood? Hopeful
Missing someone? Yes
One place that I go to over and over? Work
Something you want? Time
Your favorite store? Costco
Your favorite color? Blue

Good Times....

I'm a sore loser - and I like it!

2011-01-24T12:15:00.000-06:00

Seriously. Sore. So, so sore. I discovered this morning that there is a muscle in my toe that is sore. Not the pinkie toe or anything - that would be weird - my big toe, there is a sore muscle in my big toe - how does that happen?

It hurts to do everything. EVERYTHING.

I have resorted to using the bathroom all the way in the back of the house - the hubby's yucky boy restroom - only because it is the tallest toilet we've got and it hurts less to sit down on it.

It takes me 17 seconds to stand up and get moving when I have been sitting for longer than 5 minutes. I timed it. Seventeen.

I can smell the pain on my skin. Taste it in my mouth.

And you know what? I totally dig it. For the first time in my life I TOTALLY dig it. Every pain, every snap, every crackle, every - oh hell you get the picture - is my body saying:

HELL YES BIG GIRL! HELL YES MOVER, SHAKER, WOMAN ON A MISSION!!

DO THIS !

YOU GOT THIS!

I'M GIVING YOU EVERYTHING I CAN - SO YOU DO THE SAME!

My body is working for me, it is keeping me upright and moving forward and I love it. I am happy for it. I am thankful for it. I am proud of it. I am proud of me.

I know that it is going to be cold in my damn garage gym tonight and I know that elliptical is going to mock me, but I don't care. I want feel this pain tomorrow. I want to smell it, to taste it. I want to always know that my body is kicking ass and taking names! That I am kicking ass and taking names.
I may be slow right now, but I am getting faster.
I may be weak right now, but I am getting stronger.
I may be sore right now, but nothing hurts like not having anything to move for.
I move for my health.
I move for my family.
I move for me.

Karma kicked my ass

2011-01-20T11:35:00.000-06:00

So my last post was about assumptions, a post brought about because of my first visit with my personal trainer. It sucked, it wasn't what I wanted it, it didn't hurt like it should have, I didn't sweat like I should have, it just wasn't what I wanted.

And my dumb ass had to talk about it, had to type about it, had to bitch about, had to put all my disappointment and negativity out into the cosmos...

Well, the cosmos came back and bitch slapped me across the face.

I have since been back to see the chipper trainer chick twice. And twice she has made me eat my words like so much cherry cheesecake. She has made me sweat like it was my job, grimace till I thought my face would stick like that and grunt like a elephant giving birth to a T-Rex.

What the hell have I gotten myself in to??

Today, I go for my 4th visit and I have no idea what giant ball she is going to have me throw 75 feet in the air or how many 87lb kettlebells she is going to have me balance on my head while standing on 1 leg, but I am ready. And I am excited. And I will not doubt her again!

I've lost about 14lbs since January 3rd and I am ready for more.

Assumptions

2011-01-18T11:14:00.000-06:00

Last week I met with my personal trainer for the first time - Can I tell you how scared I was?? How nervous I was?? How I was waiting to puke and cry and potentially tell her little chipper ass to go straight to hell??

Well, none of this happened. I went, did a little sweating, I was out of breath a time or two and then it was over.

I left there so very disappointed. I left there feeling like I got screwed (and not in a good way). Had I just assumed she was going to be a great trainer because her ass looked like it was carved out of marble? My own little local Jillian Michaels? Had I made one pricey mistake based solely on assumptions?

I told myself she was just testing me, just trying to see what I could do and what I could take. I told myself that my next visit would be different, she would kick my ass and I would finally be looking for that bucket so I wouldn't vomit directly on the floor! And I sure hope I'm right.

But I don't think so - I think this little chiseled woman who doesn't know me from Adam looked at my 355lbs on my 5'11" frame and assumed that I wouldn't be able to do much. And why wouldn't she?
Any normal person assumes that someone my size can't work out like other people and can't move like other people - and hell, they're pretty close to right. There are a lot of things I can't do and I know it, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. That doesn't mean I don't want someone to push me, to help me get back to a place where there is nothing I can't do.

I am tired of assumptions. I am tired of people thinking they know exactly who I am and what I am about because of what I look like. I want to lose weight for a ridiculous number of reasons, my health, my knees, my self esteem and now, so that people will stop assuming they know a damn thing about me based solely on what they see when they look at me.

Symptom # 6 - Assumptions - a symptom of being fat? Sure feels like it.

The trifecta

2011-01-10T12:23:00.002-06:00

So many things, where to start??

Chipper Chick - Holy Crap, met with my new personal trainer! How is anyone that energetic?? She is tight, firm, muscular, tan, spandex clad, blah, blah, blah. I really want to hate her, but I don't. I'm sure I will eventually, but I don't yet. I have 2 appointments a week for the next few months and I am actually really excited. And scared, but at 355lbs being scared of tiny, bouncy, fitness freak should be expected.

I apologized to her in advance because I feel pretty confident that I will punch her eventually - she said she was A-okay with that, because if I could catch her in order to be able to punch her it would mean she had done her job.

Physical Fail - My knee, dear lord my knee. Apparently a little overkill on the elliptical is more than a poor mistreated knee can handle. Wednesday night I did something, I don't know what - I'm not a doctor, I'm a glutton. I skipped the elliptical Thursday, but had to get back on Friday - oops - not my best decision. This weekend was spent limping around and trying to give it some rest - I've been so worried about being in too much pain to be able to workout with the Chipper Chick, but today I think we are close to recovery - Thank God.

Moral Dilemma - My appointment with the Chipper Chick is tomorrow at 3:30 - no problem, scheduled and ready to rock - or so I thought. Until my husband's uncle died. He was sick, he's been in hospice for the last few weeks, everyone knew it was just a matter of time. His funeral is at noon. Tomorrow.

3.5 hours before my workout.

3.5 hours before something that feels like such a catalyst for the rest of my life.

3.5 hours before something I need so bad I can taste it.

I have actually mapped out the entire funeral in my head, trying to figure out a time line, trying to make sure I can make all this happen. Trying to make it all happen without my husband shooting me.

Am I a bad person? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Symptom # 5 - I'm so fat I can't truly gauge how swollen my ridiculously painful knee is. How do you differentiate one big lumpy joint from another one. Gross. Embarrassing and gross.

2011-01-06T09:31:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was good - consumed about 1500 calories and burned 150 on the elliptical. I made dinner for me, the family and the hubby's co-worker/friend who is on the weightloss train also. It was really good - Tilapia with mushroom and caper sauce (no oil, 1 pat of butter for 4 servings of sauce), brussel sprouts dry sauteed with no oil and steamed green beans dry sauteed briefly with garlic, salt and pepper. Everything was really good and although I did make brown rice for the guys and the kiddos - I didn't have any myself.
Workout buddy hit the elliptical for like 30 minutes - his first night - made me want to shoot him a little bit, but it was nice to have someone else there! I almost made it to 20 minutes, but dear lord that thing wears me out!
We did a little more garage organizing and are finally closer to getting the weight bench set up and the treadmill - it will be nice to have more than one machine option!!
On a different note, I am meeting with a personal trainer this afternoon. Scary!! I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it, but we shall see. She offers Zumba classes and boot camps at a gym about 2 minutes from my office so hopefully I can find a way (and a will) to try 'em out. I will say though, at 360lbs the thought of shakin' my ass in front of ANYONE is painful, down right painful.

Symptom # 4 - Fear - I am the most fearless fraidycat you ever met! I am big, I am burly (for a girl), and I always maintain a look on my face that says - "I am a bad bitch so there is no reason to screw with me because there is nothing I can't handle." And it is all such bullshit. I am constantly afraid of something - will there be no tables at the restaurant? Will I have to squeeze into a booth and sit with my boobs resting on the table? Will someone suggest we take their car instead of mine? Will I have to pretend like I am too good to use a seat belt out of fear that the damn thing won't latch?? Next time I go to the airport - is that going to be the time they force me to buy a second seat because I'm so fat?? Will I be horribly embarrassed in front of the entire terminal?
These are the things I am afraid of. Correction - these are but a few of the things I am afraid of.

Stinky Boobs!

2011-01-05T15:56:00.000-06:00

Another good day yesterday - consumed 1363 calories and burned 133 on the devil named elliptical. I only spent 15 minutes on the damned machine, but they were 15 long, long minutes.
Tonight my potential weight loss buddy is coming over for dinner with me and the hubby and hopefully - HOPEFULLY - he won't bargain his way out of working out!! I feel pretty confident I will hang in longer if I am not in my garage gym all by my lonesome!

Symptom #3 -Smelly bras. I would very much like to wear a bra more than one time without having to wash it (is that lazy? Whatever.)! My boobs are big by default - it's a big-chested family thing, but being a big, fat, pig makes them that much bigger! And what do big things attached to a fat person do?? Sweat! And what does sweat do?? Stinks! Fat Girl = Stinky Bra - nice.

Attempt # 274

2011-01-03T13:02:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so it's only slightly depressing to look through posts on this long forgotten blog.
You have to know that every time I decide to lose weight - I really want to. Hell I want it more than almost anything ever in my life. I guess that's what amazes me - how can I not make the simple changes necessary to get what I want.
Simple changes. Seriously. What could be easier than eating less? It saves time, it saves money, it's truly easy. Moving more? No problem! As busy as I am there are plenty of hours in the day that I spend at some ridiculously unimportant task (television? eating? facebook?) - spend some of that time shaking your ass and you're done!
Today is January 3rd 2011 and I am making changes. I made all my food for today last night. I logged everything last night. And although I am stuck at home today with a sick kid - I haven't raided the fridge or the pantry or the cabinets. I've eaten the food that I prepped and I feel great.
Tomorrow is January 4th 2011 and I will still be making changes.
I get one day at a time and I just have to do the best I can.
I think this time around I will list a symptom of my obesity every day so that I can look back on them as needed to remember why I need to keep making changes, day by day.

Symptom #1 - My poor knees. My knees have stood with me (pun intended) for 35 years, but they are not the knees they used to be. The pain is severe, it's hard to stand up after sitting down, I can barely get down on my knees and play with my kids, hell, it even hurts to sit on the toilet!

Let's Get This Party Started Right!

2010-07-22T10:00:00.001-05:00

While I currently consider myself back on the wagon....I am not truly back on the wagon yet. I am still eating almost every meal out - as mentioned in my previous post we are still in the midst of a ridiculous remodel. That said, as of 6:00pm last night - I have a fully functioning kitchen sink!! Amen!!

Now, you can see in the picture there is still much to be done - doors to put on the dishwasher and the recycling cabinet, backsplash behind the sink, the other side of the kitchen hasn't even had it's butcher block installed - but, BUT, I have a working sink and just enough counter-top to do a little work. And you know what that means??? I can cook. I can clean and cut fruits and veggies. I can steam fish. I can join the Green Monster Movement.

Basically this all means one thing - there is nothing in my way. I have a brand new kitchen. I will be restocking everything from the ground up. I get to make an informed decision about everything I put in there. I will be making good decisions and everything I buy will be geared towards making myself and my family healthy people. I have decided to start using organic products whenever they are available and as always local fruits and veggies.

I don't think I could ask for a better RE-start to my journey towards health.

Anyone have any suggestions for things I just HAVE to have?

Any healthy eating staples that I just can't leave out??

Reason # 483

2010-07-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

February. Five months ago. Last time I posted. Gross.
Reason # 483 - I'm a quitter. Plain and simple - I'm a quitter. It doesn't take much - a tiny road block, a slight change of course, whatever - I quit.
So there I was, full steam ahead! Body Bug on, exercising fool, good, healthy food in the fridge!
And then a pothole, the house is being levelled - moving in to a hotel for a week.
And then speed bump - remodeling front of house, kitchen, living rooms, dining rooms all taken down to the studs, floor is stripped bare to the slab, living in a furnished rental for 4 months.
That's all it took. All the excuse I needed.
That's all I needed to begin stopping at Jack In the Box for 2 breakfast sandwiches every morning (it's okay, I don't get hashbrowns and I drink diet coke).
That's all I needed to revert back to my old Chipotle ways - yes, please add sour cream, cheese and TWO cups of dressing (those extra 500 calories are surely cancelled out by the sweet N low I use in my tea instead of sugar).
That's all I needed to stop giving my husband the evil eye when he brings home half gallons of ice cream every few nights (instead I just give him a big bowl - but not mine, cause I packed mine in extra good to ensure that I get as much as possible).

So here I am - somewhere around or over 365lbs - don't know exactly, I'm a bit much for the scale I bought when I was around 340lbs - knowing that I would never need anything that went over 350.
I have always hung my hat on the fact that my cholestrol is outstandingly fabulous, my blood pressure is low, I'm strong as an ox....no more. While my cholesterol is still great, my blood pressure is up (a lot), I'm losing the strength that I have always enjoyed AND because I am so damn fat my body is producing a ridiculous amount of estrogen which causes it to produce an even more ridiculous amount of testosterone to counter act the former. Let me be the one to tell you - testosterone is NOT a girl's best friend. Plus if I sit at my desk too long my ankles and feet swell up so much that I can barely get my sandals off.

So, once again and for the 432,234,324 time - I QUIT. I QUIT. I QUIT.

I QUIT feeling like crap. I QUIT looking like crap. I QUIT risking my life for a grilled breakfast sandwich. I QUIT risking my children's mother's life so that I can shove some greasy, disgusting lump down my throat.

I should have a brand new and fully functional kitchen by the end of this weekend which I will be restocking from the ground up AND I AM READY!!

Throwing my hat in the ring...

2010-02-15T12:11:00.001-06:00

Okay, so here goes nothing!! My first blogging challenge!
MochaTrina over at MeSoHongry has thrown down the proverbial gauntlet and I am gonna pick it up! Time for the Cute as a Bunny Easter Weightloss Challenge!

Starting today - Monday February 17, 2010 you have 7 weeks to lose 7 pounds - 1 pound per week till Easter! Now, don't tell anybody, but I plan to make short work of those 7 pounds and throroughly kick this challenge in it's bunny arse!!

Apparently right about now is when people start slowing down on their progress and back tracking on the promises they have made for themselves in the new year - I refuse to do any of that!!

If you want to commit to staying committed - check out the Cute As a Bunny Easter Challenge!

The death of my left arm and reason # 97

2010-02-13T09:53:00.000-06:00

Exciting news!! Finally got my GoWearFit!! Yay, I never thought it would get here - I am not exactly the poster child for patience.
I just knew, KNEW mine would come fully charged so there would be NO wait, I could start wearing it immediately and the fat would start falling off on the floor around me...no such luck. It needed a full charge, just like they said it would, which meant I would have to wait until Friday to use it. Drat.
Hello Friday Morning!! Woot - time to slip this guy on and get started! It's super easy to use - the hardest thing about it is controlling myself enough not to slip it off every 30 minutes to upload my data. I am also not the poster child for self control - I have 350lbs of proof if you need it!
It's going to take a few days, maybe a week before I have a really good gauge of how this is going to work me, but so far, so good!
That said, it took all of 10 minutes for me to know this thing on my arm is going to drive me crazy, bonkers, loco! My God this thing is tight and giving my arm fat hell!! How on earth do people wear these all day AND all night?? For about 3 hours of the day I accepted that my big, fat arm was just too much for this arm band to handle. Surely it was made for normally fat people - not ridiculous chunks like myself! Eventually - fearing self amputation of my arm - I checked out the BodyMedia site and low and behold this damn thing comes with a medium arm band. Medium? Seriously? The only medium thing on me is my Lady Clairol Medium Brown hair! Crap! Double Crap! This is not BodyMedia's fault - as I stated in a previous post - I am Instant Gratification Girl!! Dun-Ta-Dun...cape billowing behind me, wallet in hand.
I didn't read the specifics. I saw, I wanted, I added to shopping cart. I have ordered a large armband. I expect it sometime next week. And - using my powers of instant gratification and my sewing machine - I have made a modification that will allow the blood to flow down to my finger tips again.

It ain't pretty, but I'm not planning on sporting sleeveless tops anytime soon, so it'll work for now!
So, that brings us to reason # 97 - I want to wear sleeveless shirts!! I love, LOVE, LOVE a good tank top. For God sakes I live in South Texas - do you have any idea the difference a tank top makes when the temperatures are over 100 degrees and the humidity is half a second away from torrential down pour??? I want old-school Linda Hamilton Terminator arms and I want them BAD.
So that is reason # 97 in all it's glory - it's vain, it's a long way off, but I think it is a pretty damn good reason all the same.

Ordered a GoWearFit and stumbled over Reason # 43

2010-02-08T16:22:00.000-06:00

So, within the last 4 hours I learned of a nifty little gadget called the GoWearFit. It is very similar (actually identical) to the BodyBugg from The Biggest Loser. See, I am all about gadgets - love, love, love me some gadgets. And I love statistics - not so much the college course version (totally dropped that class 2 weeks in) - but the random stats involving me, my body, calories in, calories out = BRING IT ON! And in truth this is probably a good thing cause I honestly believe it helps keep me on track.
Okay, back to the gadget. I discovered that it existed, read some reviews, did a little comparing and then dropped 300 bucks on it. $260 (cause I HAD to have the optional display) + Tax (damn the man) + $25 (cause I have to pay extra for 2 Day shipping).
I do not have buyers remorse. I am VERY excited about this little piece of gadgetry - did I mention it monitors the efficiency of your sleep??? I will be very excited to report on it once I have received it and given it a little use. The thing that is getting to me right now and the reason for this post is that ALL of this happened in a matter of an hour. I saw it, I drop 3 bills on it and I began the wait for it - in less than an hour from start to finish.
Houston, we have a problem.
Hi, my name is Fatty and I am an InstantGratificationAholic.
I like it, I want it, I have to have it now. NOW.
This isn't always a bad thing. I plan on loving my new gadget and I really feel like I will. Sure, some of my instant gratifying as turned out poorly, but for the most part it is what it is and I have come to accept it.
BUT - the instant gratification as it relates to the crap I put in my mouth, is failing me miserably.
Reason #43 - I like it, I want it, I have to have it now.
For the most part - I do not think before I eat. It looks good, I know it tastes good - so why the hell shouldn't I just eat it?? I can't say no to myself. I cannot deny the spoiled fat girl who lives in my guts!! She is making me a FAT ASS and that is making me sick!!
I do not want to die a fat ass. I do not want to live a fat ass. I want to live like someone in control of herself. Someone who can tell herself NO and stick with it. Someone who doesn't make excuses so she CAN eat that whole damn box of mac n cheese. I want to be healthy and fit and I want to be able to walk down a quiet hallway and not have to listen to the symphony that is my inner thighs rubbing together.

Monday, Monday, Monday (and reason # 375)

2010-02-08T08:18:00.000-06:00

It's Monday again. I have soooo much to do and sooo little time and sooo little inclination.
I ate too much last night. And not too much in the normal person sense, rather too much in the out of control fat girl sense. Too much sour cream, too much butter, too much cheese on the baked potato. Too much trail mix, too many chocolate cover almonds, too many M&Ms all set out in nice little bowls. Too many chips, too much queso. Not enough broccoli, caulifower and carrots. The Saints won, I am happy for them, but I lost. Miserably.
Back on the horse today. Keep on keepin' on. I think I can, I think I can, and all that jazz.
Can you tell I am not entirely excited about what this day has in store for me??

It really sucks being too fat for my 350lb max scale. Seeing some real deal progress would go a long way for my piss poor attitude right now.

And now on to reason #375.

I am sooooo tired of sweating. Sweating after walking up a flight or 2 of stairs because I can't find any other way up. Sweating at the check out line of the grocery store - I still don't fully understand this one, but it has to be related to my big ass. Sweating while watching (watching - sitting in a chair - watching) my 8 year old play football. Sweating while cooking dinner - in the winter. Inner thigh sweat, 'nuff said.
I sweat all the time. I can't maintain a decent hairdo during the summer cause as soon as I walk outside I start sweating and that's all she wrote!

I can't blame my poor body - with all I ask it carry around everyday I'm lucky all it does is sweat...

Reason # 4,324

2010-02-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

I am a confident person (kind of).
I am totally cool with being totally cool (sort of).
I am so happy to be me - it hurts (a little bit).
In the past few years I have connected with people I haven't seen or spoken to in years!! And more importantly, in pounds...
The internet is a great place to reconnect. Best friends from college, high school, heck even middle school. You remember the good old times and re-live them as best you can. You talk about your new lives and your new families. Where are you working now? How are the kids? And then it happens - every.stinking.time.
We should totally get together!! I would love to see you! Our kids would have a blast together...blah, blah, blah...
Don't get me wrong - I would LOVE all of those things. Lord knows I am a MUCH better friend now than I ever was in college or High School! BUT - maybe I should rephrase that - BUTT (a very big butt) is holding me back.
See, on Facebook and Twitter and all these other social networking sites - I get to choose just how much of me you get to see. I dare you to find a picture of my big ass on the internet! I double dog dare you to find one of my jelly belly fat rolls! You won't! What you will find are perfectly taken, properly angled, well lit photos of me - taken by me - when my hair, skin and make-up are at their very best!
What a SHAM.
You won't see me without make-up, still recovering from whatever evil chemical caused my face to swell up, discolor and take on the texture of of a 1970's ceiling. You won't see me with hair desperately in need of a touch up, wild and dirty and just a mess. You won't see me with bigger than normal suitcases under my eyes from allergies and lack of sleep.

Basically - you won't see me. You'll see who I want you to see.
It'll still be me - fun and funny, maybe a little crazier than years past, but still me.
Except physically. Physically I don't know who I am. And I guess somewhere deep inside I can't handle you knowing the real me, physically.
Now I am intelligent enough to realize I have some self confidence issues to address - I get that, and to be honest this blog is really doing some good in that department. To be honest, being honest feels pretty damn good. I never would've thought I'd type out my actually weight (guestimate as it is until I get back to 350 so my scale won't give me the old error message) for the whole damn world to see if they so choose.
But, back to my original point, my reason #4,324 for needed to get all this damn fat off of all this damn ass is because I want to say yes. I want to say - YES let's get our kids together this weekend Stephanie (even more stunning than you were in High School)! YES I'll meet you in Gruene Saturday night Kortney (probably wearing the same pants you wore in 8th grade). YES Shari (such a hotty it makes me want to puke) I would love to head out to Zilker Park with the kids - all the while knowing I'll be huffing and puffing if we get anywhere near any physical activity.
I want to say YES and NOT feel the churning in my stomach that makes me hate every second up until the time I call you to cancel and I lie and I feel like crap and then I eat.
I am tired of limiting myself.
And hell, I'm tired of limiting everyone else - cause you totally KNOW your life would be better with me in it!! :-)

Crotchtastrophe

2010-02-03T08:36:00.001-06:00

Okay, so maybe not a realization, more of an observation.
I had a hot body in High School. I didn't know it. I compared myself to cheerleaders and SunDancers (that is their "official" title - we all called them SlutDancers). I held myself to the standards of these 5'5" tiny little things. I was 5'10" tall, I had shoulders and boobs and muscles. I was hot and I didn't even know it.
Of course now that I give it some thought it is probably for the better. If I had known how hot I was I would totally have skipped college and gone straight to stripping. Nothing against strippers mind you, I am totally picking up what you are laying down. (figuratively, of course)
The thing that I think I regret the most right now is that I didn't enjoy the freedom that health provided me. I didn't run all over campus is a sports bra and wind shorts. I never owned a skin tight, full length dress. I never streaked the quad. I could've, I just didn't.
Unfortunately now that my age and economics afford me the freedom of buying all those things and doing all those things I am trapped in a body that would scare Christmas off the calendar if I ventured out in public in anything less than an old lady 46DDD bra from the fat girl store.
Six weeks ago I was down to my last pair of jeans. Not the last pair I own, the last pair I own that fit me. I had decided I would not buy another pair of jeans - I would lose some of this fat ass and get back in to the pairs patiently waiting for me. I have been keeping those pants alive for 6 weeks. As any fat girl will tell you, the crotch it the first to go. I started by sewing - quick fixes to little tears. I sewed more. Eventually they would require more than a little needle a thread could provide. I bought patches. I bought more patches. My husband calls them saddle pants now. Four weeks into the hospice care of said jeans I had to buy a new pair. Although my cherished piece parted pair were still kicking a long, it was obvious they could go at any moment. They are close to their final goodbye now...do I take them off life support and let them die with dignity or can they survive one more week with a little more iron on denim???

It's so sad that I know I have jeans and pants all washed and ready for me if I would focus and work and yet I went 600 calories over yesterday because I have no self control.

I want to go to a regular store and buy regular clothes. I want to go to Target and buy a pair of jeans. Seriously. Hell, I'd like to go into the fat girl store and not have to buy the biggest size they carry.

My dear sweet husband got me a Pajama Gram last year. They were sooo cute, all pink and soft with biker tattoos so I didn't feel too girly.

That's not just the box they came in. That's the box they came in, the purple hat box their wrapped it, all the cards and door hangers that come with them, and the cute little PJs - in the closet, below the weaponry and above a random ankle brace.

My husband said, "They said these run a little big and I got an extra large so they should be perfect."

Perfect indeed sweetie, perfect indeed. I am forever thankful that he is clueless.

Afternoon Snack = 1084 calories

2010-02-02T16:52:00.001-06:00

Seriously. I can't make this stuff up.
2 muffins, 2 cookies, 3 brownie bites and 1 Hershey nugget.
There are people - people much smaller than myself - who eat 1084 calories a day. Total.
Luckily because I am so extremely fat I can net 2400 calories a day and still lose 2lbs a week. That's sad.
All totaled I have 57 calories left for dinner. Looks like iceberg tonight!
Time to go home and hit the elliptical.
And then eat 57 calories.
And then hit the elliptical again.

Why do I do this to myself?

Timing is everything

2010-02-02T15:44:00.000-06:00

I spent almost all day typing my previous post. Working on it between paperwork and dispatching techs and all the nonsense that goes in to my day.
I was so proud of putting it all out there. My weight? For all the world to see? Amazing.
I was excited for the future, I was all about being on track and moving forward.
And then my 3:00 showed up. Bearing gifts. A whole freaking basket of gifts.

And inside said basket...
Okay, so that is not entirely accurate. The basket actually had 2 more muffins, 2 more cookies and 3 more brownie bites in it. I ate them. All of them. I feel gross.
Apparently not gross enough to keep me from eating a Hershey's Nugget while typing this post.

I don't even want to think about how much time I am going to have to spend on that damned elliptical to make up for this disgrace.
Did I mention I didn't get this fat by accident - I ate every damn pound of it.

My Big Fat Realization

2010-02-02T14:36:00.000-06:00

I am fat. I am super fat. I am obese.
I am 5'10 and I weigh in excess of 350lbs. I can't tell you how much in excess cause by golly the scale I bought the last time I was going to lose weight and get healthy maxes out at 350lbs. At the time I couldn't see any reason I would ever need a scale to go any higher.
To be honest I think I am hovering somewhere between 360 and 365lbs. I am at the point that, if I choose to round up by hundreds, I would be 400lbs. You'll understand, I'm sure, if I choose not to.
About a year ago I got fed up with my fat ass and started working out and eating right - those were good times. I lost like 40lbs - I was on the cusp of being Two Hundred and something...how glorious would that have been??
Then I got busy, big project, lots of stress, out of town for weeks at a time, excuses, excuses, excuses. It's all bullshit, but it was just enough bullshit to set me back. And now here I am.
I am so tired of being fat. It's not fun - I don't enjoy it.
I am back on the path - I am tracking my calories, I am eating better and I am exercising. Mostly.
There are a million and one reasons I want to get healthy and I will try to share them over time, but today I will offer you this one.
I married the love of my life a little over 3 years ago. We were married at a beautiful chapel, perched on the side of a cliff in the mid morning hours of a September Saturday.

It's beautiful isn't it? Absolutely gorgeous - I can't imagine anywhere else I would've wanted to get married.
We had a wonderful day planned - easy going and fun - what more could you ask for? We specified on the invitations - shorts and chanclas welcome. (Chanclas are flip flip/sandals for those not in south texas)
See, we're easy going people. No muss, no fuss. We wanted to relax and have fun and we wanted everyone else to do the same.
My husband and I bought matching chanclas and I wore khaki capri pants. We were late and it was great.
We had our reception at the Pavilion at the Salt Lick - if you ever get Austin way you MUST eat at The Salt Lick, if there is better BBQ to be had I've not been made aware of it. We had a DJ playing music we loved, kids running around, a dear friend running the show and just enough beer and margaritas to keep the good times rolling.
We did not, however, have a photographer. I droned on about the expense and the this and that and when it came down to it we did not hire anyone. Now I'm not a total buzz kill - we bought like 80 of those little disposable cameras and flung them about willy nilly for all to enjoy - and they did. When all was said and done I took the cameras home, I eventually had the photos developed and I got to choose who saw what. I retained total control throughout.
Is this because I am a giant control freak - no. I mean I am a giant control freak, but that had no part in my decisions.
I don't pose for pictures. I don't want to be in pictures. I want to beat you over the head with your own leg for trying to snap that damn dreadful shot of me so get the hell out of my face before you lose yours!
I didn't hire a professional to document one of the happiest days of my life because I am fat. I think somewhere deep down inside I think that if there are no pictures of me - no one knows I'm a cow. If it is not staring back at me - it just isn't true.
When I got those almost 2000 pictures back in digital form I went through them one by one....
Is my ass really sticking out that far?
Did my bra really fit that poorly?
Surely my calves aren't that big?
Is there any light whatsoever getting through the traffic jam that is my inner thighs?
It was sickening, disheartening and painful. And the delete button got some serious use that day.
Now please don't think that day alone got my ass off the sofa or in some way gave me the strength to pass on that chicken fried steak - it didn't, not even close.
I had not come to the conclusion then that I have come to today. I had never fully realized that I had denied myself something so great, such a treasure all because of my big ass until I read a post from JewliaGoulia.
It was in part about her wedding photographer and photos. About her lack of desire to be in front of the camera rather than behind. She was lucky, she found an extraordinary photographer, Jennifer Brindley (aka Ex Hot Girl), who takes some of the best event photographs I have ever seen. The shots of JewliaGoulia and her new husband were beautiful and rich and pure and she will have them to cherish always because she was not afraid. Because she knew that her day was about her and him and the beauty that was to be their life together, no matter how big her ass may or may not have been.
Yeah, I kinda want to punch her for being so brave and strong, blah, blah, blah...
I hide from the camera, every chance I get. I stand behind the crowd, I put up the deflector shield that is my hand, I stand behind gas pumps...

I am tired of hiding - now please don't think I am going to run out there and be all big and proud in my tank top and miniskirt, cause I'm not. What I am going to do is get healthy and get tight and get comfortable in my own skin. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin since 1994!! That's over a decade ago.
I don't want my back to hurt if I sit on the toilet too long. I don't want to have to stop and catch my breath in the stairwell before I exit because I am breathing so hard I think I might lose a lung. I don't want my underwear to roll down and my T-shirts to roll up. I don't want to be fat anymore.
I am on day 5 of getting back on the wagon. Eating right and exercising. Calories in, calories out.
Hopefully my big ass will register on the scale pretty soon and I can get some cute tracking bars and buttons and whatnot, but until then I'll just keep on keepin on.

Fatty Made a Funny

This will NOT be easy

Falling faster than I rise

The Body Knows

Not Alone

Everything is not okay.

Giving Thanks for the Juice

Day 1 Juice Fast (idiot!!)

Thankful

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You can't die from biting your tongue...can you??

The 5k that wasn't......

Good Week....here's my chance to screw it up!

Eating my worries

It's about to get REAL selfish up in here!

I drove my chevy to the blog.....

I'm getting my damn mojo back - one way or another!

Detached

Re-Focusing

Weigh in Wednesday - Back on Track

Weigh In Wednesday...Like 7 weeks late....

From Celebration to Embarrassment

NSV # 4 - Chairs, sweet, spacious chairs....

NSV # 3 - My Ass Hurts

NSV # 2 - A new House of Pain.....

NSV # 1 - 2 year old Pajamas made me cry.

And the award goes to.....

I have to do what's right for me. REVISED!!!

Coolest kid in the neighborhood!

Come visit me!!

Et Tu Meniscus??

A BIGGGG Weigh-In Wednesday!!!!

In the last 4 months...

How did you start your day??

What are you doing today??

I'm Not Who I Was..........Thank God.

Weigh-in Wednesday - ON WEDNESDAY!!

I can do anything!

Weigh in Wednesday..on Thursday...again...don't judge me...

It could happen....right?

Weigh In Wednesday...on Thursday

Best Day in a Long Time

The little voice that is going to save my life.

Guest Bloggin - I feel kinda important...

WOO HOO WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY....(was that too much?)

I didn't think I could...

Happy Birthday to Me....

Suck It Up and Do It Sunday.....on Monday

I Loves Me Some Support!

It's Wednesday Somewhere Right??

And so it begins...

You gotta do the work

And for our studio audience...

Suck it Up and Do It Sunday

Trying Something New

Back in the Saddle......Wednesday Weigh-In

FitBloggin

Set Back - Come Back

I Ain't Mad At Ya.....or Weigh-In Wednesday

It's Worth It (and thank you)

I am scared.

I Was Hungry

My truth

Dear Lord....

Did you hear something?

Wednesday Weigh-In

Almost Running

Wednesday Weigh-In

The Bird Seed Diet!!

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 1/2 cup

Amount per Serving

Holy Committment Batman!

I Needed to See It

PlanktoberFest - In January....

Friend Makin' Monday

I'm a sore loser - and I like it!

Karma kicked my ass

Assumptions

The trifecta