The little voice that is going to save my life.

This is long overdue - a week overdue actually!  Friday nights are kickball nights - last Friday was the first game of the season.

You need to first understand that Kickball is the glorious!!  Seriously, elementary playground, giant red ball that makes the distinctive THWUNK sound when you kick the snot out of it - good times! This is my 3rd season playing and I was pretty sure it would be my best - I mean hell, I'm over 50 pounds lighter and I've been working out.  We have a good team, we've got great players - I've got this.

Yeah Right.

First play of the game - I'm the second baseman - THWUNK, the ball is headed my way, quick step to the left and POP.  POP.  It's my knee.  It hurts like the ever-living-pits-of-hell.  Great.  

First time at bat - I'm pretty far down in the kicking order - I'm not totally delusional.  First pitch is good and I kick the snot out of it and start running to first.  Okay, so maybe not running.  Okay, so maybe not even close to running. 

WHY AM I NOT RUNNING???  WHY THE HELL CAN'T I RUN??

I wanted to run.  I wanted to run all the way to first and maybe round it over to second.  I guess I thought because I wanted to, I would be able to - yeah, life doesn't work that way.

I wanted to win.  I don't want to be a loser.  I am too competitive to fail.

Our team won the game, but I lost.

The worst part of the whole situation was just how far I let it bring me down.  Seriously, I was defeated.  I didn't even try when I was up to kick, it was no secret that I didn't want to be there and I wasn't expecting anything out of myself.

If I had been at home I would've found some bread and cheese and God help me some bacon and shoved it all down my throat as quickly as possible. (Thank God I wasn't at home).

Whats worse is that I was registered for a 5k the following morning and I was already making excuses not to go.  I was already setting myself up for another failure.  For all the steps I've taken forward this year, I was rolling backwards at a lightning pace.

I went to bed disappointed.  Disappointed in myself, in my body, in my journey. 

I woke up just as disappointed.

In fact, I woke up making even more excuses.  Working even harder to talk myself of the planned 5k - and let me tell you, I am pretty persuasive.

But let me tell you something else - I didn't give in.  I didn't listen to the negative voices in my head.  I listened to the little one, far in the back, pushed way down by the I can'ts and the why's.  I heard it whisper reminders of where I was and how I had gotten there, how hard I had worked, how many positive changes I have made this year.  The whisper got louder and I heard it recount every rep I've completed, every mile I've logged.  The whisper turned to a shout and it screamed at me - How bad do you want this?  How many years do you want of this life?  How many things do you have left to do in this life?

That little voice pushed and pushed and pushed and I am forever grateful.

Because of that little voice I woke up the rest of my little family, got everybody ready and headed out for what turned out to be one of our best days together - ever.  

More to come....