What I NEED to blog about vs. what I'm GOING to blog about.

Okay, 2 months since my last post.  I NEED to tell you about my fast.  Update you on the fact that I failed after 2 weeks.  That I only last 14 out of my 21 days.  I need to update you on the fact that I am SO far off the wagon, which is probably pretty good for the wagon cause my fat ass would most likely send a trail horse to an early grave.

BUT, I'm not going to get in to that right now.

Right now I want to know why there is no show call "Biggest Gainer"??

Why are there no shows with casts of anorexics or bulimics being forced to eat what their trainer tells them and forced to be inactive in order to gain weight and be acceptable to society??

Why the hell does society think people wasting away with eating disorders are so much worse off than those of us ballooning from eating disorders?

Why are there so many movies, TV shows, Punked programs where people are donning fat suits and becoming the "dregs" of society and nothing showing the looks and stares and disdain received by the gaunt anorexics?

Please don't think I'm not sympathetic to plight of those suffering from anorexia or bulimia - I am.  I hurt for them and I pray for them to find the solution for their problems.

But why the hell do they get treated like the untouchables?  Why is acceptable to make a mockery of those of us who JUST CAN'T STOP?  I don't want to eat thousands of calories every day.  I don't want to feel the way I do.  I am sick.  I am just as sick as the guy who has only eaten lettuce for the last week.  I am just as sick as the girl emptying her stomach contents through her feeding tube.  

You may not like my illness, but that doesn't make it any less serious.  That doesn't make me any less of a person.  And that doesn't give you the right to make a joke of me.

I have watched my last program full of fat people exercising and eating right and never once addressing the fact that they are sick.  I don't care how many heart-to-hearts you have with Bob or Jillian, if you don't fix the problem, you'll always be sick and nothing will ever change.

This will NOT be easy

Since my blog is about my journey and my challenges and - let's face it - my fat ass, I'm not going to go in to great detail about the "why" of what I am doing, I will try to focus more on what I am doing and it's affects on my body.

Sunday at sundown was the beginning of a 21 day fasting period for me.  Since it's a free country and all I have the ability to decide the thing or things that I would be fasting.  Last year I fasted Facebook - there was no enlightenment there I assure you, so this year I decided to go a little deeper.

This year I am once again fasting Facebook - which is not a problem considering how uber ridiculous it can become at times.  I am also fasting mindless TV - just zoning out and drooling in front of another show about a dirty job or a dangerous job or an over dressed exterminator.  Since that isn't all that difficult to give up I am also fasting streaming TV/Video - much more difficult!  I didn't realize just how often during the day I put on Netflix or Hulu in the background and catch up on things! 

And, while giving up those things is somewhat of an annoyance, it's nothing that really shakes me up or disconnects me.  So, I decided I would also fast all solid foods and basically anything that isn't a freshly juiced fruit or veggie!  For the next 21 days if it doesn't come out of the good old juicer - it doesn't go in to me!  With the exception of fresh water and hot teas.

Lord this is going to be a LONG 21 days.

There really is a lot more going on behind the scenes as it is a spiritual journey for me more than a physical one.  I am doing a lot of learning and reflecting and praying and soul searching.  I am hoping to heal some things in my soul that I haven't been able to heal thus far.  I have put away my scale, I am not even attempting to track (how the heck would I even do that??).  This isn't about my pants size or my double chin, this is about me.  Getting to the heart of me.

Today is day 2 and I'm okay.  I juiced an entire cantaloupe and guzzled the whole thing this morning.  It was glorious.  Pure Bliss.  Highly recommended.

I feel good, my insides are cooperating and I haven't had any bad experiences.  Every once and awhile I feel a little off, but I just take a swig of the green stuff and move on.

Day 2 and 3 are supposed to be the worst, but I've made it through them before and I plan on doing it again!

Anyone have any juice fast experience?  How long did you last?  Any must try recipes??

Falling faster than I rise

I was looking at my "About  Me" page this morning.  Sometimes I like to check out that picture to see just how far I've come.  Normally I find inspiration and strength in that picture.  Normally I am proud of that picture and the hard work that made it possible.

Not today.

Today I realized that the third picture, taken in July of last year had me at 278lbs.  Now, the fact that that was 87lbs DOWN from the first picture, taken about 6 months before is fantastic - I know that.  BUT, the fact that today I am sitting at 286.8 hurts a little bit.  

Who am I kidding - it hurts a lot.

At one point last year I weighed 264lbs - that was a good day.  That was a DAMN good day.  That was 100lbs lost in less than a year.  I was proud, I felt good and hell, I thought I looked pretty good. 

And now here I am.  23lbs up from ,my lowest weight last year.  And it took me less than 2 months to get here.  

I know that this is a journey.  I know that this is about changing my life for the long haul.  I know that I will be fighting this battle for a long, long time - and this is my reminder.  This is my reminder of how quickly things can change.  How quickly old habits can come back and start to root themselves in my new life.  How quickly my body can start to break down from not being used.  How quickly the aches and pains and limitations come back.

This is a reminder of why I started this journey.  The smile on my face in that picture, the way I felt when I was 100lbs down.  These are all things that I have to go back and draw from when the old me is trying to come back to the surface.

Where do you draw strength from when you feel like you don't have enough of your own?